Monday, July 11, 2011


I think I've mentioned before that Husband and I have been married for fifteen years. We've been monogamous that entire time, and plan on remaining so forever. (I know, and know of, many people in the kink community who have open/poly relationships, but that is simply not us. Part of being "traditional" is being true to each other, forever and ever, amen.)

I see everywhere this prevailing idea that after a certain number of married years, desire between the couple starts to slack off. They don't have sex so often anymore, and when they do, it becomes quick and routine, something they don't necessarily mind doing, but do it more out of a biological/relational need. They cut it down to the most basic steps, do what it takes to get the job done, fast, smooth, and over with. I've read that a significant percentage of married couples average sex around twice a week. Some studies quote five times a month.

Five times. A month.

At first I thought, What the hell? This has to be wrong. Why? Because they were so different from my experience as a married woman. Yes, there have been times when Husband and I have had to refrain from sex, like the weeks after I'd delivered a baby, or the couple times I've had major surgery. But this wasn't because we didn't want to have sex; it was because we couldn't. The rest of our married life, we've had sex on a regular basis. And I don't mean twice a week regular basis, or five times a month regular basis; I mean, there-better-be-a-good-enough-reason-we're-not-having-sex-tonight regular basis.

I've given this some thought, and here's what I've come come down to: it depends on the person's natural levels of Desire.

If you desire sex enough, and your partner enough, it won't matter if he's pissed off, or pissed you off, or picked a fight with you, or has simply not spent "enough" time with you during the day.

You will WANT him.

You will want to feel his arms and lips around you, at the end of the day you will want his weight sinking into you and over you and through you. You will crave his scent, his touch, his very presence as he walks in the room taking over your senses and making you feel heady and drunk.
You will find yourself thinking about him throughout the day, but at the oddest and most inopportune times.

Like when you're at the checkout counter at the supermarket. You'll be reaching into your purse fishing for your wallet, and suddenly wonder what it would be like to have him fuck you over that counter, bend you over and fuck you from behind, press your cheek into the cold steel as he pounds into you, and your eyes will suddenly go wide and your breath will catch and the checkout girl will ask you if you're okay.

Or you'll be at the bakery, there just to pick up some rolls, but the baker is carefully frosting some cookies, and you'll wonder what it would be like to feel that thing along your thighs, pressing into your skin and leaving tiny mounds of frosting along your hip bone for him to lick off, or maybe it would be gently dipped into your pussy...or maybe even shoved into your ass. And the baker will be trying to get your attention, handing you your change, and be mumbling how you must not have had enough coffee that morning, 'cause your response time is mighty slow.

Or you'll be in the car, driving down the highway, feeling the vibrations of the engine humming against your butt and thighs, and suddenly realize how long it's been since the two of you fucked in a car...and your forehead will bead sweat, and your lip will quiver, and you'll realize your panties are all too...moist.

I don't know if kinky couples feel more desire for their partners than vanilla couples. And if you we do, I don't know if the two things are correlated, and what comes first: maybe our kinkiness keeps the sex fun and interesting, keeps the flames of desire alive, and that makes us more, um, needy. Or maybe we just crave the sex more, and that's what helps make us kinky in the first place.

Either way, I feel bad for couples who only do it five times a month.


  1. I love this post. I hope that we shall always feel that desire and passion for each other. I do think that maybe there is a connection between kink and long lived sex a kink relationship there is always something to explore, to discover, new places, new toys. Whereas in a purely vanilla relationship (and I had one for a very long time) sex was the same all the time, we never talked about it, before or after. It was just done and finished until the next time.

    I love the image of you in the car, I do that, suddenly think...oh we have not had a bath together for ages, or, I wonder if we could get away with it in the changing rooms at the shops...etc etc....sharing those filthy thoughts and desires with him always gets me a reaction!


  2. Oh dear heavens, YES! This is the most incredible feeling. Sadly, we lost it in our marriage for a while, but managed to find it again. We are not really kinky, although we do incorporate kinky bits into our sex play. Mostly I think it's that we're honest about our desires and want to fulfill them for each other.

  3. You raised a good point there, Liz. Wanting to fulfill the other person's desires, not just your own, is very important in any relationship, not just a kinky one.