Thursday, January 29, 2015

Can't Argue Fact

I hid his underwear. All of them, every single last pair.
It was all I could do not to tell him what I had done, channeling my inner Frenchman, all "har har har! 'Aye 'ave 'id your undare-ware! You shall nevare see zem agane!" Because I suck at subtlety and patience.
He took a shower this morning while I drove the youngest to school. When I walked back through the front door, he stood there: dressed, clean, and looking implacable. But there was that look in his eye.
He knew.
I knew he knew.
He knew I knew he knew.
I knew he knew that I knew that he knew.
And most importantly, He knew that I knew that he knew that I knew that he knew.

You know what's the worst thing to do to a bratty smart-assed masochist?
Ignore her.
You can spank her, beat her, spit on her face, but if you really want to get under her skin? Turn around and walk away.
I had pranked husband, and we both knew it, but he acted like he didn't care. Like it wasn't even worth mentioning.
And that is how he won.

When he knew I had admitted defeat—by meekly returning his underwear—he laughed at me. "It really was a good try," he said, kissing me on the forehead, his way of making peace. "I almost had a moment."
"How'd you get underwear?"
"I know you," he said. "I keep an extra pair in my sock drawer."

"You'll pay for it later, you know," he told me. "You'll be in service to me tonight."
In Service is his way of saying I should expect a lot of sniveling and crying, and probably some rug burn on my face tomorrow.
"Is that an order?" I asked.
"No," he said.
"Then no," I replied.
"It's not an order, it's a fact," he told me then, laughing at my expression. "See, an order is something you can try to refuse. A fact is fact. You can try to argue fact, but you just end up looking stupid." Then his face grew serious. "You're not mine because I order you, you know," he told me. "You're mine because it's fact. You are you, and that makes you mine."
I closed my eyes and buried my face against his chest. "It's kind of beautiful, when you think about it," I said.
"Yes," he agreed. "It is."

Wednesday, January 28, 2015


Every morning, on my way to taking Son3 to school, I drop off Husband at the train station. And every morning, I have to play a little game of chicken with the traffic light.
 If it stays red long enough, he can jump out of the car no problem, and I don't block traffic. But if the light turns green, other cars are waiting to go behind me, and I get antsy. (And if the light is green when I pull up, and I have to stop to let him out? I'm a basket case.)

Last week Husband and I got into an argument in the car. Nothing major, just a difference in political opinion (which happens from time to time...a lot). We were pulling up to the light, but it had been red for a while.
"GET OUT," I yelled.
"Jesus, don't kick me out of a moving car," he said, unbuckling his seat belt and opening the door.
"I wouldn't do that," I said, taken by surprise. "It's not like I'm trying to kill you."
"Not today, anyway," he quipped, and slammed the door behind him before I could think up a suitable reply.

Since then, it's been a running joke between us that I'm not trying to kill him "today."
"Are you trying to give me a heart attack?" "Not today."
"Are you going to smother me in my sleep?" "Not today."
"Did you poison my coffee?" "Not today." 

Which is all well and funny, ha ha ha....
Yeah great fun....
Except today....
TODAY, dear readers....
Husband took his pranks on me to a whole new level.

THIS means WAR.

And so if any of you who know us personally happen to notice his absence tomorrow, and wonder what might be the cause, think upon these five words:
Today might be the day. 

Monday, January 26, 2015

Meme Monday: What's your hardest boundary?

One word: NEEDLES.
Needles give me the heebie-jeebies. Just thinking about them gives me goosebumps. Just writing out the word makes me jumpy. (Notice how the picture doesn't even have a needle in it? Cause you will not find a picture of a needle on my blog. Oh Jesus I said it again.)
I'm going to combine this post with the next question in the meme, so I only have to face this topic ONCE, and then we can put it to rest, hallelujah, amen, the end:

When did you realize this is your hardest boundary? And how?
I have always suffered from a needle phobia, for as long as I can remember. This may or may not be the result of a car accident when I was a toddler; I was hit by a drunk driver, and suffered for months afterwards, in and out of the hospital. I have scars from it, and to this day, have issues with my hip.
I think my phobia got worse went I spent two years abroad, in a place where sympathy for something like phobias was nonexistent, and I was forced to go through some medical procedures with zero support and downright sadistic medical personnel.
And in the words of Forest Gump, "That's all I'm going to say about that."

But I will say a couple things about boundaries (and triggers) in general:
A personal boundary, or in my case, a trigger, is something the individual must deal with—meaning, while I appreciate a minimal level of understanding and sympathy, I do not, and should not, expect everyone else around me to change their behavior just to work around my trigger.
I go to parties where there is needle play going on all the time; when I get uncomfortable, I walk away. I do not expect others to stop doing what they love, just to appease me.
This is my boundary, my issue, no one else's.

At the same time, I do expect a minimal level of courtesy. Once people know of my needle phobia, I expect them to give me the option of walking away quietly, and not giving me a hard time about it. I expect people to refrain from mocking me. Ridiculing me for having this phobia is not fact, I would call that another personal boundary.

I do have people in my life who love me and want me to get over this phobia, because eventually, as I get older, there is a real possibility this phobia may risk my health. But I am scared to deal with it.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

A Coffee Interlude

Last night, I had been hoping to go to my Mistress's munch, which is always a great event, mainly because my Mistress makes it so. I may not have an objective opinion, I admit, but my Mistress runs a great munch.
(It's also one of the longest-running munches in the entire world. You can read more about it here.)
The munch always starts at 8:00.
Husband came home from work around 6:00, said his hellos to the family...and promptly fell asleep.
I was pissed. So pissed, in fact, I didn't even want to polish his toes. That says something.
(Probably not what I had in mind, but something.)

He woke up at 9:00, feeling all Masteroftheuniversy, and raring to go.
I, meanwhile, was sitting on the couch, watching TV, and wanting none of what he was after.
But that's the thing about an M/s relationship: my wants don't account for much.

"Get upstairs," he ordered me, "and get naked."
I sighed and turned off the TV. "Really, Husband? Really?"
"Yes, really. Go upstairs and get naked."
"Fine. Just...fine." I got up and walked out of the room, but instead of heading up the stairs, I turned left, into the kitchen.
From behind me, I heard, "Where are you going, Wife?"
"I forgot to do something," I called back.
"Whatever you forgot, you can do it later. Get upstairs."
"It'll take me five minutes."
"No. Go upstairs and get naked."
"Will you just give me a sec—"
I turned around and found him right behind me. "Husband," I said calmly, "I forgot to set the coffee machine for tomorrow morning."
Priorities, people. Priorities.

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

Mentor VS Predator, Ways To Spot The Difference

Since writing this post, I've gotten a lot of messages from newbies asking me, "How do I tell the difference between someone who really wants to help me, and someone who is a predator, an exploiter, someone who just wants to take advantage of me?"
The short answer is: it's not easy.
If you read the comments in that post, you'll get an idea of how many people entered this scene, only to be manipulated and exploited.
It happens.
A lot.
But there are ways to figure out whether a person is really just trying to help a newbie out, or has ulterior motives. This list is by no means all-inclusive, but it'll give you an idea of what I'm talking about.

1. A Mentor will never expect you to give them personal information too soon.

They might give you their name and phone number, but they will not press you to give them yours, especially if you make it clear you don't want to. One time should be enough.
If they say something like "I gave you mine, it's courteous for you to give me yours," you can just remind them that you did not agree to an exchange beforehand, but you are willing to delete their information from your phone (or rip up the piece of paper where you wrote it down, or whatever) if they'd like.

2. A Mentor will never expect you to play with them in exchange for mentorship.

Mentorship is a pedagogical relationship, not a play relationship. If both of you agree to widen the parameters of your relationship to include play, fine; but it is not a given expectation.

3. A Mentor will give you suggestions on ways to find the right events for you, without forcing you to some or prohibiting you from others.

Attending events is important, because it helps you meet people and learn new things, gain new skills. But all events have their own energy, their own style, their own way of doing things—in my neck of the woods, you can go to five different munches during the week, and all of them will have a distinctly different feel to them.
A mentor will encourage you to try as many events as you can, without trying to outright prohibit you from any of them. (They may warn you strongly against some, but not prohibit you. They may offer to go with you if they think you will be unsafe.)

4. A Mentor will introduce you to people—and warn you about others—while still letting you making your own decisions about friendships.

A mentor will understand you are a full grown adult, able to make your own decisions about who you want to be friends with—and to what extent—even if they personally do not get along with some people. Some of the information they give you about others may be sharing predatory behavior, or just outright asshole behavior. It might make you pause.
It should never come with an ultimatum.

5. A Mentor will enjoy seeing you learn and branch out, not try to keep you constrained.

A mentor should never try to keep you from learning. Learning is always a good thing. A good mentor will try their best to make sure you learn from the best; they might warn you against learning from any so-called experts whom they know are anything but. But they should never try to dissuade you from learning about a new skill, or protocol, or type of dynamic.

6. A Mentor will care about your welfare, but will respect boundaries around personal information.

A Mentor will want to know you're safe, and doing no damage to yourself. This does not mean they get to be privy to every facet of your life. If you have a playdate with someone, they may want to receive a "check-in" the next morning, to make sure you got home okay; they do not get to expect a blow-by-blow of what happened, and how your date went. (If you want to share, that's one thing; but demanding this sort of information is not appropriate.)

7. A Mentor will want to talk to you on a regular basis, and see you in person if possible, but will make your safety and security a priority.

There is only so much information that can be gleaned from online communication; personal, one-on-one meetings play a vital role in a mentorship. Some mentors like to meet once a week. Others think once a month is fine. Whatever you decide, the goal of the discussion should be to discuss whatever is on your mind, in a safe, relaxed environment.
If the mentor is asking you to meet them at a stranger's house, or in a seedy hotel room, you have every right to say NO.

8. A Mentor will not get furious with you when you don't listen to them, and make mistakes. (Frustrated, yes; furious, no.)

Because there are going to be times when your mentor gives you advice, and you don't take it. And that is normal, that is to be expected, because sometimes people need to make their own mistakes to learn from them.
If a mentor needs to maintain control over you so much they fly off the handle when they find out you've gone against their wishes...I think you know where I'm going with this.

9. A Mentor will teach you how to respect yourself (and not just them).

There are many different ways of setting up boundaries and behavioral protocols; all of them are right (assuming everyone involved agrees).
Some people like to be called by honorary titles, some people don't; some people will want their sub or Dom to be contacted before a friends request, some people won't. As you learn about this community, you will need to decide for yourself what behavioral rules best fit you, what kinds of protocols you want to reserve for specific individuals in your life, and which boundaries help you feel more secure as you navigate your way around. A mentor can help you make those kinds of decisions.
They should not be making them for you.

10. A Mentor will understand that the goal of mentorship is to teach you enough to send you on your merry way, and end the mentorship—not keep it going indefinitely.

At some point, you should be able to spread your wings and fly, navigate the community with a good set of social skills at least, and wee bit o' sense between your ears. You should know how to comport yourself at events, vet people (even if it's at a basic level), trust your instincts, and at the very least, do what you need to do to stay safe. Your mentor will still be there for you if you need them. But at some point, the fledgling has got to leave the nest.
If your mentor is trying to maintain control over you when you think the mentorship has run its course, then it's time to have a frank discussion.
So that's it, my "quick 10" of things to look for in a mentor, and what to watch out for from a possible predator or manipulator. If you have more to add, please do in the comments section.
And good luck out there.

Monday, January 19, 2015

Monday Meme: "When did you realize this was your "biggest" kink? And how?"

I never "realized" Take-Down Play is my biggest kink; it always just was. From an early age, I was fantasizing (and literally dreaming) about being chased and hunted. And when I say "early age," I mean, I was still watching cartoons. Some of my favorite cartoon characters from GI Joe and M.A.S.K. floated in and out of those fantasies.

I made the mistake one time of telling my sister about my dreams. "Those are your dreams?" She asked me in disbelief. "Those are my nightmares. You're such a weirdo."
That was when I realized maybe not everyone shared in my proclivities.

When I reached puberty, and started having thoughts and urges about sex, I hit a deep dichotomy: on one hand, I had been told sex was supposed to be gentle, relaxed, and an almost passive activity for the woman. On the other hand, my fantasizes were full of ruthlessness, brutality, and a heady dose of fear.

Trying to reconcile these two conflicting views of what sex was supposed to "be like" took some time, but in the end, my own personal urges won out. I discovered some S&M books at my local book store, and while I understood them to be fringe fiction, completely taboo, I also felt a huge sense of relief that there were other people like me out there in the world, who liked sex rough and violent.

Once I started actually having sex with boys, things got harder. I got myself into a lot of trouble. I don't blame the boys—at least, not most of them. They were figuring themselves out, just like me. I wanted to be hurt, and they wanted to hurt me, but none of us knew what the hell we were doing.

Then I met Husband, who seemed to inherently understand the basic rule of "Hurt, But Don't Harm," even if he didn't know how to articulate it. The sex between us was savage, but never left me feeling degraded or violated; it was fun, and had me coming back for more.
Which, you know, is vital in any BDSM relationship.

Friday, January 16, 2015

Newbies: Avoid "Community Frenzy," Protect Yourselves

When you first enter "The Scene," you will meet a lot of new people who all seem awesome. You will be invited to munches, encouraged to attend events, and welcomed to more than a couple discussion groups. This is all great!
It can also be overwhelming.
It can lead to what I call "Community Frenzy."
You'll notice that all these people constantly warmly greet each other, hug each other, flirt with each other, and most importantly, play with each other. You'll want in on that action. You'll want to be included. You'll want to belong.
But there's a reason why those people are acting like they've known each other for years: because they have. The investment they have put into their relationships is the most precious commodity of all, time, and nobody can just replicate that, no matter how many munches or parties you go to.
But the desire to belong is overwhelming. You'll want to make friends. You'll want to be on the inside. And so you may just forget to protect the most important thing about you of all: you.
Your identity, your private information, your vanilla life, is to many of us (and I dare say, most of us) sacred. It is not stuff we should just give out willy-nilly. Very few of us are complete open books.
(And to those who are, I say, go you. But most of us have family, jobs, children we have to protect. Our kinky selves do not take priority over our need for some semblance of privacy.)
But when you're new in the scene, the temptation to share this sacred part of you is strong. Why? Because—as we've all been led to believe—you think if you share this part of you, others will cherish it just as much as you do, and they will reveal something sacred about themselves, because isn't that how it's supposed to work? Quid Pro Quo?
See, if you reveal your secrets to the wrong people, there are those in this community who will use that information to their advantage, to gain power over you.
They will seek you out, because you are a newbie, and they can smell a newbie across the room like a shark smells blood in the water. They will charm you with their wisdom, seduce you with their social standing, entice you with their familiarity with the scene. They will make you think if you become friends with them, not only will you be safe, they will be able to help you navigate your way around the scene faster. They will introduce you to the "right" people, teach you the "right" protocol, and take you to the "right" parties.
These people are sometimes called Predators. All too often, they are not people you want to trust, but you will not figure that out—not until it's too late.
See, all that information about yourself you've been giving them, they've been storing it away. And when you finally realize what kind of person you've been dealing with—controlling, manipulative, gaslighting—they will use that information against you, to keep you silent. Silence is a powerful tool for predators. It keeps them safe, and able to keep going, because if no one is willing to speak up about their ugly behavior, no one else is ever going to know. They can continue to move from victim to victim, leaving no trail.
I have met too many victims who are too afraid to speak out about their abusers because they know their abuser has information on them they don't want getting out. And yes, I know of victims who did speak out, and did get outed by their aggressor...only to see their aggressor being protected by the community.
Because sadly, this community does include predators in high places with many friends.
Now I'm not saying that everyone who approaches you in the beginning is dangerous—absolutely not. There are a great many fine people who offer themselves up as mentors and teachers to newbies, and they are incredible folks. I thank God I met some of the most fabulous people when I first entered the scene, people who protected me and offered me help when I needed it.
But how can you tell the difference between the good, well-meaning folks, and the predators? The answer is, you can't.
But there are ways you can protect yourself.

1. Don't give people your full legal name, especially if it's easy to look you up.

If you have a name like "John Black," you might not have cause to be worried. But if your name is something like "Harrington Mortimer Zelmitok," you should definitely create a kinky name for yourself, and give out that one instead of your legal name.

2. Create a new email account for your kinky persona.

Keep your kinky self and your vanilla self separate entities from the beginning. Give out your kinky email account to people who want to stay in touch. Eventually, if and when you decide these people are trustworthy, you can give them your other, vanilla, email account.

3. Be careful with things like LinkedIn, Skype, and any other social media sites where people can track you down, especially Facebook.

If you become friends with someone on Facebook, and they are friends with other kinky people, those other kinky people will be able to see your information—depending on not just your settings, but your friend's settings. Facebook will also "recommend" your friendship to other people in your friend's contact list. It's a slippery slope, and one you have zero control over.

4. Give yourself LOTS of time to get to know people before you give out ANY information about yourself you hold sacred.

You may decide to give certain people your legal name. You may decide to give a few others, perhaps your play partners, your cellphone number. Fewer still will get your address. Choose what information you give out, and who you give it to, carefully, because once it's out, there's no taking it back.
And to those who say "you shouldn't be playing with someone you don't even trust with your phone number," I say, nope, I disagree—because I might trust that person enough to play with them once, but that doesn't mean I trust them with my kids' safety. And if by giving this person my phone number, I might make it possible for them to track my family down, or my kids—I'm not going there. Full stop, the end.

5. Try to find out whether the person you want to trust has ever threatened to out someone else, or actually outed someone else—and under what circumstances.

There are a few legitimate reasons to out another person in the kink community (and by "out," I mean, out their legal information). If the person has a criminal record including sex crimes, for instance, it may be not just appropriate, but necessary to out them to event planners and party organizers. Public documents may have to be shown to prove this person is a danger to the community at large.
But if this person outed another as a method of revenge, as an act of vindictiveness, then that should stop you in your tracks right there. (Of course, they will try to justify why they felt the need to out this other person—they will also want to keep you as far away from that person, and their friends, as much as possible. But that is another method of manipulation for these predators: they try to control whom you talk to, and listen to, as much as they can.)
I realize this post can sound kind of scary and alarming. To a certain degree, it's meant to. It's a warning to newbies out there to take care. Be smart, be careful, be risk aware.

Wednesday, January 14, 2015

"What's Your Biggest Kink?"

My biggest kink would have to be take-down play, otherwise known as rape-fantasy play, otherwise known as primal sex.

I love it when my partner has to come after me and pin me down. I get drunk on the thrill of the chase. I identify as prey; I expect my partner to have a beast inside him, one willing to do almost whatever it takes to hunt me down. I want him to need to devour me. I want to know that among this large field of possible game, he chose me as his target, because I am worthy of the chase. He is willing to settle for nothing less.

I want to know he gets just as much thrill from the chase as I do. I want him to strike terror in my heart, because in this game, without fear, there is no victory. I want him to know I will fight him every step of the way, and he will welcome my puny attempts to thwart him.
I want him to savor his victory over me, because it will not come easily.

This kind of play is what some consider "edge play." There is a lot of "consensual non-consent" going on. My play partners, those who engage in this sort of play with me, have to know a lot more about me than just my safewords. They have to be able to read my body language, my cues, what I'm thinking behind my eyes even if I don't say the words out loud.
They have to know at least a little of what I'm thinking, because they will need that knowledge to outwit me.

Not everyone wants to play like this; more importantly, not everyone can. There's a heady dose of trust involved, along with the need for full understanding of what the fuck you're doing, way before you even start. Connection, communication, discussion, negotiation—all of it's necessary before your first scene begins. This is fantasy play, not actual assault, but things can go real wrong real quick in a heartbeat if you misread your partner.

But the pleasure I get from these, it's a rush.
I have a fantasy of being released into a large field, being given a ten second head start, and then hunted down, chased, captured like a wild animal. It would be like that book, "The Most Dangerous Game," only instead of being killed, I'd be stripped down, tied up like a stray heifer, and beaten for my defiance.

Now I'm all aroused.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

New Year, New Layout, New Posts

Well hello there, blog o'mine. Long time no see.
Happy New Year!
Let's make some updates!
I did some tweaking to the blog template. Nothing too major, in my opinion—I'll probably never get tired of the black background, it's like the classic black cocktail dress every woman is supposed to have in her closet—which of course I don't, but my BLOG does, so there, that totally counts—where was I going with this? Oh yeah, changes.

I don't know about you fine people, but I'm feeling good about 2015. 2014 filled me with unreasonable and inexplicable anxiety, and while nothing catastrophic happened that year, it was filled with small hiccups and micro-calamities that kept shoving me off my game.
But not this year. Ho ho ho, no. This year I'm gonna rock my socks off.
If I'm told I'm allowed to wear socks. ;)
It's funny how we get vibes about these sorts of things, isn't it? Let's hope I'm right.

I didn't disappeared entirely these last couple months. I can always be found on Fetlife; that place sucks the time out of your life the way Hitachis will suck orgasms out of your clit. Oh yes! We got a hitachi, too. Our first one. A post is going up about that, for sure.
A little prelude: I HATE THE HITACHI. Yes, I do. And I'm pretty sure it hates me back.

But as I was saying, I was on Fetlife (a lot), and I wrote this meme, "30 Things the Right Way." I didn't think anyone would actually do the damn thing, but they did, which made me feel fucking awesome, and all sorts of voyeuristic. So I'm going to put it up here, on my blog. And for the next 30 posts, I'm going to do the meme myself. Because I am a special kinky snowflake.

1. What's your biggest kink?
2. When did you realize this was your "biggest" kink? And how?
3. What's your hardest boundary?
4. When did you realize this is your hardest boundary? And how?
5. What sort of labels, if any, do you use to describe yourself?
6. Do you have any kinky nicknames?
7. When was the first time you used the word "kinky" to describe yourself? How did it feel?
8. Are you "out" to your family? If not, why not?
9. Do you think your upbringing affected your kink in any way? How so?
10. Do you think your kink helps you understand other aspects of your life, your relationships, your personal character?
11. Is it important to you that others understand your kink?
12. Do you wish you were more or less kinky? What does that mean to you?
13. How does your health affect your kink?
14. How close are you to your local kink community?
15. Could you ever be with someone not as kinky as you (whatever that would mean to you)? What about more kinky (again, "more" being however you interpret that to be)?
16. Name a kink you are embarrassed to reveal. Describe the first time you had to reveal it to a partner.
17. When was the first time you ever had to call RED?
18. Is there a kink out there you think is just plain wrong? Ie, scat, animal play, etc? Or do you think anything goes?
19. How easy is it for you to let other people in on your kinks? Are you open, or do you keep it behind closed doors?
20. Have you ever had a scene you wished went longer than it did? Tell us about it.
21. What do you wish some of the other vanilla people in your life knew about you?
22. What do you wish some of the other kinky people in your life knew about you?
23. Name one personal trigger you have. It does not have to be the biggest one, just one you are willing to share.
24. Name a toy you really want to try out.
25. Give us a fantasy of yours you don't think you'll ever try...and tell us why not.
26. What would you be willing to give up for the sake of your kink?
27. What kink would you be willing to give up for the sake of the rest of your life?
28. Tell us about a passion you have in your life which is not kink related.
29. Tell us about a time someone misjudged your kink in a way that made you uncomfortable, or made you think.
30. Tell us which kink you feel most talented to do, and which you think you need more experience.
31. Where and how do you learn most of your kink? TV, online, the kink community, etc?
Oh, and readers? TAG, YOU'RE IT. Go do the meme yourselves. Because we are all of us special kinky snowflakes.