My Dear Child,
I have a confession to make to you.
Your father and I have been lying to you.
I know it's hard to hear that; we've always done our best to be honest and forthright with you. But the fact is, we've been feeding you little white lies for years, and it's time to come clean.
But for now, we can all just play along and keep saying that your mom likes to rock in the rocking chair at one o'clock in the morning, that she has every intention of fitting into those skirts again someday, that she is only trying to keep your precious eyes safe by keeping you away from those nasty cleaning supplies, and the sword in the bedroom really is just in case of zombie apocalypse.
We won't mention the KY Jelly in the car. Ever. Please and thank you.