Me: Husband! I need help!
Him, from downstairs: With what?
Me: Motivation. I can't focus on my writing. I need you to give me a good kick in the ass.
Me: I need a good kick in the ass!
The sounds of his footsteps come stomping up the stairs. He rushes into my room.
Him: You need a good fuck in the ass? No problem. Get in the bed.
Me (shocked): I didn't say fuck, I said kick. I need a kick in the ass to get some work done...wait a minute. You did hear me right! You're just faking!
(Husband smiles wickedly at this point)
Goddamnit, that is not called getting work done! That is the opposite of getting work done.
Him: You're still getting me done.
Me (spluttering): But I need to get some writing done.
Him (relenting): Okay. Hold on.
He disappears for a few minutes. When he comes back, he's holding five clothing pins in his hands, all connected with string.
Him: If you don't get some writing done, tonight, I'm going to put these clothing pins on you; two for each nipple, and one for your clit.
Him: Yes. Every page you write, you get to take one pin away. That's four pages.
Me (breathing hard): Okay. Okay. Four pages is no big deal. I can do that.
Him: But I'm going to come in here once in a while for a blowjob.
Me: WAIT A MINUTE. If I'm blowing you, I'm not writing. You're taking my time away. That's not fair!
Husband: Deal with it.
He walked away at this point, leaving me spluttering, again.
So this is how he motivates me. Notice, I'm not writing right now--not on my next book, anyway. I'm writing you fine people.
Husband knows how to scare me...but he inspires me, too.
And hey, it's only right I share the inspiration.