I use a lot of labels to describe myself. Masochist, (specifically of the smart-assed variety,) anal slut, 1950's housewife, etc. But the label I use the most to describe myself is sub.
Unfortunately, many people have differing ideas what a "good" sub should act like. I've been told in certain circumstances I've been a bad sub, undisciplined and naughty, for things I've said and done. Ironically, I've never been told this by Husband. It's always been by others.
And I try to explain to these people that while obviously the relationship I have with Husband wouldn't work for them, it works for us. Husband isn't just "putting up with" my behavior, he loves it. He gets off on the power plays, and so do I.
But I've never really been able to explain our dynamic before, or my feelings on the issue...until I read this post. Written by a woman named Emma, it's titled "Predator and Prey Dynamics." It is an awesome post, and summarizes most of what I've always thought of my relationship with Husband, but never really knew how to articulate.
I am not just Husband's sub. I am his prey. And I need him to hunt me down, push me into the corner of his lair, make me cower, and make me understand (always and again) that I am nothing but his chewy playtoy. Like Emma says:
"I need to feel like less than him to submit. That I was the weaker one on the food chain, that he was the alpha, and I wouldn't win in a battle of the wills, the challenge of authority."
This doesn't mean, however, that I am weak and powerless. Quite the contrary: I see myself as a powerful adversary, worthy of the chase. In everyday "vanilla" life, I am a force to be reckoned with, and I have a reputation for my big-mouth and fearless ways. I've tamed my ways some, (I've had to,) but that doesn't mean I've lost my courage and become this meek and docile creature.
The fact is, Husband wouldn't want me to change. I have my needs as the prey; he has his needs as hunter. He needs the prey to be an animal worthy of his time and effort; someone whose head he will be proud to show on his mantle. Hunters don't show off the heads of mice and squirrels, do they? No, they display the heads of the big animals, the bears and the lions, the animals that could have killed them just as quickly as ended up as their trophy.
I need Husband to reaffirm his place as Hunter, the top carnivore, the head of the food chain, and often. And when he does, he feels pride (and a sense of glee) after he's won the chase and enjoying the fun he's having with his food. Like Emma says,
"He loves the challenge, the thrill of the chase as much as I do, and I think this is particularly why we are such a good match for each other."
I will never be his slave, at least not in my own mind. Others will decide to themselves I fit their own label of slave, since I have many of the same rights and responsibilities. But it's wrong. It doesn't fit our dynamic.
In the vanilla world, I am a force of nature: loud, impulsive, stubborn, fearless...I am a lady, but I'm the lady who will surprise you with her strength and fortitude. I can be very generous and kind. I can also be a bitch.
I am prey.
But I am prey for only one man: Husband.
The only man who has ever battled wills, wits, and blows with me...and won.