Jealousy

I get jealous of my friends. I know, jealousy is an ugly thing, and a bad habit, and can lead to misunderstandings and hurt feelings and all that. But I'm human, and jealousy hits me now and then. Hard.
Don't get me wrong, I don't mean to imply I'm not happy for my friends and what they have. I'm always SO excited to hear their great bit of news and what's going on with them: something they're doing, or buying, or planning, that sounds so fun, so amazing, I know it'll be awesome.
I just also wish it was me.
Sometimes it's a matter of age. They're younger, still in their early to mid twenties, and let's face it, the skin looks a lot tighter at that age than from the point where I'm looking at it. Some things droop, some sag, some thicken--and some thin out. It's all a part of growing up and (sob) growing old.
I get jealous of their sleek and firm young bodies.

Sometimes it's a matter of finances. They are, simply put, better off than we are. They can afford certain luxuries that we cannot. I get jealous of the toys and equipment they can afford.

Sometimes it's just where they are in life. If they aren't married, or don't have kids, their schedules tend to be a lot more open and flexible than mine. They can go on trips, visit people and places I might only ever dream about.

Sometimes, my jealousy gets me down, because I start focusing on the things I don't have, all the ways I'm missing out, and I get melancholy for how easy life used to be.
And then I have to step back and refocus, so I can remind myself life was never as easy I romanticize it to have been.
I never thought myself as thin or good looking, even in my early twenties, the age I am in the pictures I tend to look at now and think god, I was hot back then.  I have a feeling when I'm in my fifties, I'll look at pictures of me today, and I'll think the exact same thing.
We were never rich. There was a time back in the early days of our marriage when chairs were a luxury. Compared to where we were when we started? We are rich.
And while it's true my time is no longer my own, and my needs are usually at the bottom of the priority list in this family, that doesn't make it a bad thing. I am who I am today because of the choices I made, and I stand by those choices, because they were right for me.
You know what? It's true, I'm not a size 6. Hell, I was never a size 6. But I'm sexy.

So we don't have the money to travel that much, so what? We can still have fun at home.

And just because I've gotten older doesn't mean I'm not as playful and creative as I used to be. In fact, I think I might just be even better, because now I've got all this experience to work with. I can turn the most mundane object into something lewd and sadistic. 

And I'm just as...needy...as I ever was. I don't think that will ever change. God, I hope not. 

I don't need to be romanced, wined and dined for Husband to turn me on. All I need to see is him coming toward me belt in hand, and I turn into a puddle at his feet. 

In other words? I wouldn't trade my life. My life is awesome. 

So yeah, I get jealous. But at the end of the day, I count my blessings, thankful for what I have. 

Because I know I have a lot.