Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Nothing to See Here

I realize this post is not the kind you come here expecting to see. You guys click over here to read about kink and BDSM, or to look at pictures depicting something of that nature.
This post won't be about any of that. It won't be edited for content, or proofread, or checked for spelling and grammar mistakes, either. I am in that kind of mood.
The truth is, for the whole month, I have not felt like myself. Which sounds ridiculous, when you think about it. I am myself, and I am feeling, so how can I not feel like myself? Well, cause I just don't, that's why.
Sometimes I feel locked out of my own head, like someone else has taken residence inside my brain and changed the locks on me, and I'm just outside the window with my hands cupping my face to the glass, looking in, yelling 'but that is my space.'
Sometimes I feel locked inside my own head, unable to escape, or even see out, and I'm feeling around the walls like a fucking mime in his box and thinking 'but this place used to have a fucking door, right?'
Sometimes I feel like I'm no one, I'm some kind of automaton, just going through the motions and living day by day.
This all could be because of the stress. I am under a lot of it. We're having financial problems, you see, and if you're one of the vast majority of people in this country having financial problems, you know what the hell I'm talking about when I say it's stressful. I don't have to explain it to you. I can feel the breeze across my keyboard as you're all nodding your heads right now. Yes, it's stressful Shelby. We all know it to be true.
It could be because my entire house was a sickness-infected bio-hazard waste site for over three weeks. I was sick, then two of my kids got sick, then I got sick again while the kid who had been healthy until then decided to join the party, what the hell, and then one of the other kids who had been getting better decided the party simply could not survive without know what the difference is between the analogous party I'm running with here and a real life, honest to god party? Booze. There was no booze at my analogous party. Just lots of hangovers, including some short-term memory loss, thanks to the fevers.
I don't know what's wrong with me. We are all fine now, the viruses/bacteria/germs/bad-joojoo-curse-someone-put-on-us is all gone, but I am still...not myself.
Husband is dealing. He notices, of course. He tries to help. Frankly, he is great at helping, and I think without him, I wouldn't be complaining about something as diddly as "not feeling myself," I'd be...well, let's just say, much worse, and leave it at that.
I have not been going to twitter. I have not been hanging out on Facebook. I have been hiding in my cave.
So there you have it. That is what's going on. I have been possessed, people. I have been taken over by an evil spirit. I need an exorcism.
Anybody out there with a priest fetish got an outfit you can lend me?


  1. I understand this way more than I'd like to admit. It's horrible, and I sympathize.

  2. Just talking about this with a friend over drinks - something is definitely in the collective air. I am glad you took a moment to try and relieve some of the pressure. I hope it helped!