Wednesday, October 3, 2012

What I'm up to, and what I'm not

I wish I could tell you I've been busy writing. It's true, I have been writing, but that's not why I've been absent online.

I wish I could tell you I've been on a glorious trip, traveling somewhere exotic and fun. It's true I've been visiting friends occasionally, including one trip to San Francisco. But those visits have been hardly exciting, and anyway, they are not the reasons why I've been absent online.

I wish I could tell you life has been so exciting for me, I just didn't have the chance to check in. Nothing could be farther from the truth.

The truth is, I'm down, and when I get like this, I disappear. I hate burdening my friends with my problems, because I know we all have problems, we all have shit to deal with, and nobody has a monopoly on the woes of the world.

I hate the way I look. I hate my nose, my hair, my belly, everything. I hate my weight, and how flabby I am. I hate the way I sound, and how my voice comes out like a shrieking twelve year old's. I hate my toenails. I hate my toes. I hate how bad I am at math. I hate my lack of patience. I hate my tendency to judge. I hate the way I feed my kids unhealthy food. I hate it how I have such high expectations of everyone else, yet expect so little from myself.

I hate feeling this way, this constant anxiety and dread. It doesn't help that Husband just found out he might be out of a job by the end of the month. Chances look good he'll be out of a job by the end of the year. After that...I don't know what is going to happen.

I don't want to burden anyone with this gloomy, depressing person I've become. So I'm going to stay away for a while, and only come back when I have something kinky and uplifting to say. Okay?
Thank you.


  1. I understand and I do the same thing.

    Try not to withdraw too much, though, because... it only makes you feel worse in the end.

    I'm so sorry to hear about your husband's job.

  2. Oh Shelby... I am so sorry to hear how down you are. It is a horrible place to find yourself and one that I have found only seems to perpetuate itself... you feel down, you stop doing things, that makes you feel more down and so on....

    I do understand about withdrawing though, this last couple of weeks with Sir being away has been a real trial for me and I have expressed some of it online but I have also tried not to swamp people with it in the same way I feel swamped by it.

    Sometimes though, you just have to let it all hang out and the real people who care about you will listen and talk and do the best they can but they will never think any less of you.

    Take the time you need but as the above person said, don't withdraw too far as in the end you might find yourself so far gone that you can't find a way back.


  3. Sometimes you have to run downhill to hit the bottom before you can look up. Please know that we're here and we've all been there. You are NOT a burden, we appreciate your kinky stories but are happy to hear about about the less happy realities of your life too. Lean on others when you need to!
    I'm so very sorry about your husband's job - that is extraordinarily stressful!!

  4. It is hard when you think all you have to say is negative, but you likely also know that one way to get through it is to write about it. A conundrum. I am happy to see you whenever you have time or inclination. :)

  5. Sorry things are sucking for you right now. My man is having job troubles too. Not fun at all :( But as others have said here, don't think we readers mind reading about life's ups and downs. Blogs are much more real when it's not just an endless stream of bliss.

  6. It is a sad irony that when we most need someone to tell us everything will be alright, we feel the most selfish for asking...I don't pretend to know what is happening in your life or how you are feeling, but just know that there are people who give a shit about you and what you are going through... you're not on your own... hugs

  7. I think sometimes I just need to feel really down to come back up.

  8. A wise person told me one time, when I was down & blue, to sit down with a journal, piece of paper, notebook, something, and write 10 things I liked about myself. It was VERY hard at first. He also said that for every time I said, "I hate this about me" or "I don't like this about me", I had to say "BUT I like this about me". His reason? When a person makes a sentence that has the word "but" in it, what comes before the word "but" is erased by what comes after. You know, when someone says, "I love you but..." you just erased the "I love you" - practice gratitude and joy. It takes work but someday you will stop putting yourself down and begin to see your own worth. Ask my how I know. You are an amazing person. It is time for you to see it.

  9. I've been a haphazard, slapdash Twitter follower for a while (in that I'm terrible about actually *following* my TL these days), but tonight is the first time I've read your blog. I'm glad I saw this, because I have to throw some love your way.

    While I don't know exact circumstances, I know that dark place very well. It's very hard to reach out when you're in that pit of despair. I just want to tell you something that I have read elsewhere, by The Bloggess: Depression Lies. It doesn't necessarily help you feel better in the moment, but just knowing and accepting that fact can be something to cling to and help get you through it.

    Big hugs to you, hon. Knowing that I'm not alone in the darkness always comforts me. I hope it does the same for you. <3

    Also, reading things by people who totally *get it* helps me: (don't let the 'comix' part fool you. Clay is a genius.) (lots of humor, but she's very frank about her struggles with depression, anxiety, etc.)