I wish I could tell you I've been busy writing. It's true, I have been writing, but that's not why I've been absent online.
I wish I could tell you I've been on a glorious trip, traveling somewhere exotic and fun. It's true I've been visiting friends occasionally, including one trip to San Francisco. But those visits have been hardly exciting, and anyway, they are not the reasons why I've been absent online.
I wish I could tell you life has been so exciting for me, I just didn't have the chance to check in. Nothing could be farther from the truth.
The truth is, I'm down, and when I get like this, I disappear. I hate burdening my friends with my problems, because I know we all have problems, we all have shit to deal with, and nobody has a monopoly on the woes of the world.
I hate the way I look. I hate my nose, my hair, my belly, everything. I hate my weight, and how flabby I am. I hate the way I sound, and how my voice comes out like a shrieking twelve year old's. I hate my toenails. I hate my toes. I hate how bad I am at math. I hate my lack of patience. I hate my tendency to judge. I hate the way I feed my kids unhealthy food. I hate it how I have such high expectations of everyone else, yet expect so little from myself.
I hate feeling this way, this constant anxiety and dread. It doesn't help that Husband just found out he might be out of a job by the end of the month. Chances look good he'll be out of a job by the end of the year. After that...I don't know what is going to happen.
I don't want to burden anyone with this gloomy, depressing person I've become. So I'm going to stay away for a while, and only come back when I have something kinky and uplifting to say. Okay?