Monday, February 11, 2013

I Do Not Take It Like A Champ

I'm seeing a lot of pictures and videos on FL lately of women tied up and positioned in pretty contorted and (in my opinion) agonizing ways, getting flogged, whipped, paddled, spanked and beat to an extreme state. The thing is, these women always look calm, composed, and happy in these scenes. They have little dreamy smiles on their faces, like they're off in la-la land. And I suppose they are: they're flying so high, they could make their own orbit around the moon. 
When I see these pictures and videos, the first thing I think to myself is wow, that's gorgeous.
The second thing I think is that Top will never want to play with someone like me.

When I play (get played with, really), yeah, I can be all quiet and demure if I have to be; and I can still get induced to fly that way, too. But for me, that's just scratching the surface of the real depth of the experience. The most intense, raw, and in the end, memorable scenes for me have always been the ones where I fight the most.

I struggle; I scream; I scratch, bite, holler, swear, cry, and do anything and everything to fight what's happening. I sink into subspace, but I do not 'go gentle into that good night,' I contend with every step down into that dark descent. I give up all my grace and composure to turn into a sweaty, screeching, writhing animal--if the scene is with someone I trust, that is.

See, the thing is, the more I trust the Top I'm playing with, the more free I'll feel to give into the fight, and give it all I've got. That's what makes the scene good for me. If I don't know the Top that well, if we've not become that close yet, I might feel too inhibited and embarrassed to really let go. So you'll see me quiet and still, taking the play action with nothing but a soft mix of grimaces and smiles flitting across face, punctuated now and then with a quiet gasp or breathy moan.

But when I trust the Top I'm with? Oh ho, now it's a completely different story. Every little thing they do is going to get a reaction out of me, and it's not always going to be pretty. It's certainly not going to be quiet, and it's not going to be composed.

But it will be raw, honest, and unreserved.

To me, that's what a great scene is about: having the freedom to show this person my raw underbelly, the part of me I have to keep concealed and controlled at every other time. But I can't show it to everyone, because it's fragile, precious, and at the same time, dangerous. If I don't trust the right Top, I can get hurt. I am trusting that person not to hurt me when I'm at my most vulnerable, and I don't mean the hurt we've already negotiated and agreed upon; I'm talking about real hurt, the kind that might shatter me to pieces, down to my soul. I'm trusting that person to keep control, over me, over themselves, and over the scene, when I cannot.

The Tops that have played with me tell me I'm fun; they like it when I give them instant feedback to whatever they're doing. And the Sadists I play with seem to enjoy all my profuse cries and moans. 

But then, I'm not going to play with a Sadist who I think won't.

And I guess that's what it comes down to. If you want to play with women who can keep their shit together and remain calm at all times, and fly off into subspace with barely a peep, then by all means, keep putting pictures like that on your profile. But if you want a woman who keeps it a little more raw, who might not act as docile going down but can still be a shitload of fun to play with, you might want to make that known, too. 


  1. Nice! For myself, I know when I am playing in public I'm MUCH more reserved (and the scenes were those pictures are taken are, I presume, at least somewhat public/staged -- the sub always knows when she's being photographed :). But just like you say, if I'm playing with my daddy or someone else I know and trust, I let go and enjoy it to the fullest, because I know that no matter how loud I scream or cry or how hard I fight, he won't stop (cause that's at least one of the fears, isn't it? You sound too convincing that you want them to stop and they just might... :) ... I did have one memorable experience, however, of letting go and loving it in a dungeon, only to be interrupted by the guard who remained in front of my face til we finished the scene, cause he wasn't convinced I was alright :)
    Don't think I'd want pictures of that though......

    1. It depends I guess on what you call "public." I don't typically play at all where I might be photographed by people I don't know (ie, on the street, or at a crowded venue), and if I do play, it's extremely subdued. If I'm in a more private setting, or, you know, in my own home, I like to Let Go.
      You hit on an issue in your comment I didn't in my post: the fear they will stop. It's legit, and deserves consideration.
      As for your DM issue...oh man, I could write a whole other post about this...maybe I will. ;)

  2. I couldn't agree more. I have my quiet, smiley, dreamy moments - but when it really comes down to it, you'll only see my screams and tears and clawing desperation when you've really hit me where it matters… when I truly trust you. The rest is just the flutter of pleasure.

  3. I'm new to your blog and to the whole D/s, so as a newbie, I'd have to say I'm quiet. Really quiet, too quiet maybe. I want to prove to Him that I can take it. I hate failure, and hate to fail.
    But, and this is a big but, He has never done anything terribly...sadistic. It's still so vanilla in comparison to others.

    P.S. I love your blog.

    1. Thank you very much!
      And don't compare your D/s to others to judge. What is right for you is right for you. Nobody else matters, frankly.