Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Judging the New

Bear with me, readers. I am fighting off an angry brat called depression. Sometimes I'm able to bury it under the blankets, and sometimes it rears its ugly head to stick its tongue out at me. For the most part, I am fine; I go on with my days getting my shit done, housecleaning, laundry, cooking, tidying up... but now and then I can't help but notice that big lump under my covers, giggling, laughing at me. Its taunting laughter is quite grating on the nerves.

I went to a BDSM discussion group last week, one which I had debated attending. I was in a crappy mood. Most of the time, when I'm in a crappy mood, I don't like to engage other people. I don't want my crappy mood affecting them. It's rude. But this time, I thought, I would show up to the meeting, and if I didn't have anything good to say, or if I thought I'd be a sourpuss for everyone else, I'd just keep my mouth shut.

Well, it turned out to be a very good discussion. I was enlightened on a few points, and managed to enlighten others on a few points. I got to see people I don't often see, and I let others see me, in more ways than one.

What was interesting about this meeting was that we had a new guy show up, someone absolutely no one knew, who was not just new to the discussion group, but new to the entire scene. Now, this in and of itself would not be that big of a deal; new people sometimes decide to attend these things last minute. It's like jumping off the kinky cliff into dark mysterious pools; new swimmers often have to stand there a long time before they finally jump. Who knows how long, or what synapsis finally went off in their brains to make them take the plunge.
I'll tell you one thing, though, they often make quite the splash.
I speak from experience.

Anyway, this new guy showed up, and what was confusing to us at first was that he had not even found our group from Fetlife or any other kinkster calendar. No, he had learned of our group from another site entirely, one which I will not mention by name--but I will say it is not a site specifically for kinksters. It is a site for random people to meet and hook up.

This sent us all red flags. But we welcomed the new guy, motioned him to have a seat, and took inventory.
He was relatively young, relatively good looking, and had a thick accent. He told us he had been to one other meeting before, with poly people, and this was his second foray into the kinky scene.
More red flags.

Here's the thing: since Fifty Shades of Gray came out, there have been a lot of people checking out the kinky scene and BDSM in general, not because they think it's something they might enjoy, but because they think by associating with kinky people, they are more likely to get laid.
This is especially true for men who haven't had a lot of luck with women in the vanilla world. They think if they start reading up on floggers and whips and calling themselves a "dominant," they'll have an easier time finding a submissive woman who'll fuck them. Which may or may not be true, I don't know. But that's their assumption.

Which is just obnoxious. Because the number one concern for these people is not finding a community where they fit in, so they can grow as a person, and learn to love themselves for who they are; no, their number one concern is doing and saying whatever it takes to have sex.
If they need to be a sadist, they'll be a sadist; if they need to act all strong and macho, they'll act all strong and macho.
But it's an act. They don't know what the fuck they're doing, they have no interest in learning a craft beyond looking good to impress the females, and their fulfillment ends at filling pussy. They are not doing this to pacify something within themselves, a darker force they cannot deny; they are following a script, playing the part, willing to become whatever the opposite sex wants, as long as they'll put out.
This is not being a dominant. This is anti-dominant.

Unfortunately, once in a while, you have someone come into the kink community who is not there for the right reasons. From what I gather, sometimes they find their footing, and sometimes they do not. Sometimes epiphanies are made, and these people go on to become well-regarded community members. But often, they fade away. Like an old-timer friend told me, "people in the kink community have a short half-life."

I'll tell you one thing: you may or may not get laid more often being a member of the kink community... but your chances of finding a stable, long-term relationship are no better in the BDSM world than they are in vanilla land. In fact, some would argue, they are worse. Having a D/s M/s O/p relationship is hard.

So we went on with the meeting, talking about things the way we normally would, and this guy sat at the back of the table, quietly assessing us much the same way we were assessing him. Which is fine; everyone was polite, help was offered when needed, and the meeting was a success.
But I wonder if I'll ever see this man again. I wonder if he walked into our meeting with certain assumptions, and if we burst his bubble; or maybe I'm the one making faulty assumptions about him, and he'll surprise me.


  1. Maybe, to give him the benefit of the doubt, he is starting to explore the kink world, and doing that by not only reaching out for meet/greet/kink but also for learning.
    Some people really do just dive right in,but at least wholly submerge in every aspect.

  2. I thought you were going to say that it was a reporter. Interesting tale with a good amount of information included.

  3. Really interesting article. I'm not part of a kink community, per se, so I don't get to see this side very often. I'd be interested to hear if he does come back…