Thursday, November 14, 2013

A Day in the Life (of An Erotica Writer)

6:30- Wake up, brush teeth, wash face, go downstairs to make coffee, see that Son2 forgot to take out the garbage last night, take out the garbage, find some dirty clothes sitting two inches from the hamper, wonder with confusion once more why Son1 is incapable of putting dirty clothes in the hamper, put dirty clothes in the hamper, decide there's enough dirty laundry to start a load, start a load of laundry, remember I was supposed to make coffee, go make coffee
7:05- Wake up Son3, Wake up Husband, snuggle with Son3 and Husband until one of them farts and they both start laughing, leave bed in disgust, make Son3's breakfast
7:15- Drive Son1 and Son2 to school
7:30- Return home, remember that Son3 has no school today because GOD FORBID ALL THREE KIDS SHOULD HAVE SCHOOL AT THE SAME TIME, curse the world
7:45- Kiss Husband goodbye on his way to work, eat breakfast, try to have some coffee
8:00- Sit down to try to get some writing done
8:10- The antics begin.

Mom! MOM! Come quick!
(I come running) What?
Can I invite Greg B. to my birthday party?
Um…sweetie, your birthday isn't until March.
So can we talk about this later? I'm trying to get some writing done.
Ten minutes later
Mom! MOM! Can you come here?
(I come walking) What?
My pants are too big. Can I get new ones?
Honey, they fit you yesterday. Maybe you just need to pull them up a little.
Oh! You're right! Thanks!
No problem.
Twenty minutes later
(I yell down) What?
I'm hungry!
You just had breakfast!
I know, but I'm hungry!
Then go get yourself something to eat!
Can you get something for me? I don't want to miss this scene!
Ten minutes later
Mom! MOM!
(I walk downstairs) Honey I really need to get some writing done and I don't appreciate you calling me down here for every little thing!
I'm sorry mom. I just wanted to tell you the dog pooped on the carpet.
Oh for the love of God….

9:00- Realize I'm not going to get any writing done like this, give up, and take Son3 to the park
11:00- Eat an early lunch with Son3, because hey, why not, I've got nothing better to do
12:00- Set up Son3 with the Wii, the TV, his computer, the iPad, and my phone, tell him I really need to get some writing done, and hope to heaven he understands
12:15- Nope.

Mom! MOM! Can I have a popsicle!
(I yell down) Yes!
…Can I have two popsicles?
Why not! Why not! I want two!
It's one or none!
But I want twooooooooo

12:20-1:00- Listen to Son3 complain how I am the worst mother in the world and it's not fair and why can't he have one (one being really two) and Dad would let him have one (yes one not two) and when is Dad coming hooooommmmeee
1:31- Grab myself another cup of coffee, curse the heavens some more
1:35- Listen as Son2 comes home from school because it's WEDNESDAY, and everyone gets out early on WEDNESDAY, it's like a LAW or something
1:40- Listen to Son2 tell me about his day, his homework load, and why he really, really couldn't take out the garbage last night
2:00- Leave to pick up Son1
2:10- Get a phone call from Son1, telling me to pick him up later from school…turn around and go home
2:30- Get met by a now reformed Son3 who is perfectly happy getting one popsicle, GOD MOM, of course one popsicle is TOTALLY FINE, why would he want two ANYWAY
2:35-3:05- Get some writing done! Hallelujah!
3:05- Go to get Son1 AGAIN
3:15- Arrive home, tidy up kitchen (including all popsicle stickiness which seems to have contaminated the entire room), put laundry in dryer, pay bills, clean bathroom because Husband made a face about it that morning and Husband making a face about anything is a bad fucking sign
4:00- Try to escape for a little while to get some more writing done.
4:01- Nope.

Mom! MOM! I need to ask you something!
(I run down) What?
Can you bake brownies for tomorrow? For my class fundraiser?
Uh…no? Sorry, but it's a little short notice.
The thing is, I kind of told them you would.
You told who what now?
I told my teacher you'd bake brownies for the fundraiser.
…When did you tell your teacher this?
Last week. So can you?

4:06- Wish for the millionth time I'm the kind of woman who drinks. Get out the pots, pans, brownie mix, and start messing up my formerly clean kitchen
5:00- Brownies are done, but it's time to make dinner
6:00- Finish making dinner, clean up kitchen AGAIN, call kids over for dinner, listen to one of them complain how he really doesn't like this dish and why couldn't I remember he REALLY DOESN'T LIKE THIS DISH and why do I always have to make something HE doesn't like
6:30- Escape to my bedroom with two Tylenol (who knew Tylenol could be so sexy)
6:45- Husband calls

(Me, into the phone) WHAT!
Well that's not a nice way to say hi to your Husband.
You're right, honey, I'm sorry.
I was just calling you to tell you I'm on my way home. Maybe I should also tell you it's time for a caning.
No! No, I'm just a little frazzled right now. I'm sorry.
That's better. Now…how was your day? Did you get any writing done?


  1. Oh man. You remind me of why three kids are too many for me. :D

  2. Oh that was great! Made me laugh cuz it is so true! I had four so I totally get it :)

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