I bought extra tickets, and I won three prizes. (I give all the credit to the "lucky cuffs" I was wearing at the time. My Lady Vicki had bound my wrists together in beautiful and stylish metal cuffs, you see. I think some people got a kick out of watching me claim the prizes with my wrists bound.)
One of the prizes I won was a collection of porn magazines.
I can't remember all the names of them…I remember there was at least one Playboy, a Hustler, a Pethouse, and a Swedish porn magazine. The Swedish one was the worst of the bunch.
I brought the magazines home together with the rest of my loot, laid it all out on the kitchen table, and showed it to Husband.
"Wow, you got Godiva hot cocoa? And Macadamia Nuts?…What's this?"
"I got porn magazines."
"I can see that. Um…they smell weird."
"They're used."
"What?" His lips curled in disgust. "They're used porn magazines? Oh my god. Look at this one, there are pictures cut out of it."
"I guess the person couldn't bear to part with a few of his favorite photos?"
"Oh my god, ew." He dropped the magazine he was holding on the table. "I'm washing my hands."
"That might be a good idea."
"You should wash your hands, too. But first, put those magazines in a bag."
I put the magazines in a shopping bag and washed my hands. Husband finished washing his hands, and scrubbed down the kitchen table.
We eyed the shopping bag of magazines.
"What do we do with them?" He asked.
"Maybe the kids want 'em?"
"You'd give this to our kids? Used porn magazines?"
"They might not care."
"Ask them, then."
I called them both upstairs. Son2 came up; Son1 was in the bathroom.
"Do you want some porn magazines?" I asked.
Son2 sighed. "Let me see them," he said, in a tone that made it sound like he was doing me a favor.
"They're in the bag," I said.
He took one out and started flipping through it. "It smells weird," he said.
"It's used," I said.
He dropped the magazine. "Ew," he cried. "Why would I want this?"
"Because it's PORN?" I said. "Don't you guys WANT porn?"
"Mom, we can get all the porn we want on the internet," he said.
"So you're telling me you DON'T want it?"
"I'm saying, I don't need it. But if want me to have it…fine."
"Well, you have to be normal about this. Hide it under your mattress and pretend I don't know. And don't tell your friends! I don't want to get into trouble for giving my kids porn!"
"Oh I am totally telling my friends about this."
"THEN NO PORN FOR YOU."
"Fine. I didn't really want it anyway."
"Go ask your brother if he wants it."
Son2 went downstairs, holding a magazine in his hands. A moment later, I hear through the bathroom door:
"Wait. What? WHAT? WHAT THE WHAT?"
Son2 trotted back upstairs, laughing. "I slipped it under the bathroom door," he said with glee.
A moment later, Son1 came upstairs, the magazine in hand. "What the hell is this?" He asked.
"Porn," I said. "I won it in a ra—drawing. You want it?"
"It smells, and there are pictures cut out."
"It's used."
"EW OH MY GOD NO."
"So you don't want it, either?"
He gave me the same incredulous look Son2 had given me and said: "Mom, we have the internet now. THE IN-TER-NET. With TUM-BLER. I don't need this."
He slapped the magazine back on the kitchen table.
"God damn it, I just washed there!" Husband yelled.
So there you have it. Neither one of my older boys wants a collection of porn magazines. They can get their porn safe and sound on their smartphones and computers, hassle-free, mess-free, evidence-free. I don't know what this means for the state of porn today. All I know is, things are a lot different from when I was a kid, hiding magazines in my closet.
Anyone want some used porn magazines?
Shelby, those porn magazines, may have made a bigger HIT, with your two sons, if they were SPANKING magazines. And both of them should have given you are good spanking, for offering them hand me downs.
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