Introducing: Esmeralda

Scene: Husband and I are in the car, on the way home from a date night. He has been talking a little too much about his coworkers, and I am growing annoyed.

Me: Can we talk about something else? Something more relevant to us?

Husband: Sure. Let's talk about your ass, and how lonely it is. 

(He was bringing this up because I had just texted him that morning "my ass is lonely," which, in our code, means "I want you to fuck my ass, please.")

Me: We can't talk about that now.
Husband: Why not?
Me: We're almost home. 

Husband: You know...we really need to think up a name for your asshole. That way we can talk about it without worrying so much who's in earshot.

Me: A name? Okay...it should be something cute and delicate. 

Husband: Cute and delicate?

Me: Yes. How about...teacup?

Husband: No.
Me: How about a flower? Like Daisy?
Husband: No. How about Candy?

Me: Candy is a stripper name. How about—

Husband: Esmeralda. 

Me: Esmeralda? 

Husband: Yes. It's perfect.

Me: ...Esmeralda? Like from the Hunchback of Notre Dame?

Husband: Yes! Like that Disney princess! It fits! She's pretty, and naughty, exotic, but kind of dark—

Me: Hey!

Husband: Well you haven't exactly been bleaching lately.
Me (grumbling): She's a gypsy, not a princess.
Husband: Your asshole's not a princess, either.

Me: If my asshole is Esmeralda, then your dick is Quasimodo.

Husband: What, the hunchback? Mmm...it does lean to the left a little....

Me: And it's all cross-eyed, like this— 

I try to do a pantomime of Quasimodo, tilting my head to one side, sticking out my tongue to the other, and crossing my eyes

—like this!

Husband (laughing uproariously): I see. It's only got one eye, you know.

Me: Yeah, well, it's crossed. 

Husband: Okay then.

We get home. The house is quiet; the kids are in their rooms, occupied with their own stuff. I go upstairs to change my clothes. A few minutes later, I hear from downstairs...

Husband: Esmeralda! ESMERALDA!

Me (running over): WHAT!

Husband: Are you feeling lonely tonight?

Me: NO!

Husband: We can do it like that scene in the Disney movie, you know! You'll be tied up at the stake and afraid, and I'll swoop in...only I'll leave you tied up, and light the fire under you!

Me (laughing): Stop it!

Husband (singing as he walks towards me): And it burns, burns, burns, the ring of fire, the ring of fire....

Me: I AM GOING NOW.

So here I sit, dear kinky readers: at my computer, contemplating the strange, strange conversations Husband and I have with each other. I swear, I cannot make this shit up. I don't know if other married couples talk to each other this way and just aren't so public about it, or if Husband and I are just really, really weird....
You know what, scratch that. I know Husband and I are really, really weird. 

But we are also really, really fun.