This is why you don't show your Dom your bruises.

Me: "Look at what you did to me! Look at this!"

Him: "Wow. What about the other leg?"

Me: "It's not nearly as bad, thank God."

Him: "We'll have to do something about this."

Me: "I tried ice already."

Him: "That's not what I meant. They're not symmetrical."

Me: "...What?"

Him: "We need them to be even."

Me: "What? And what do you mean, we?"

Him: "I can't remember what I did to cause that...look, we'll just have to recreate the whole night, and I'll retrace my steps, but everything I did to your left leg I'll do to your right leg, so they'll be even."

Me: "WHAT!"

Him: "You're right, that won't work...I'll just have to find a different way to give you a bruise like that, one that'll match. But there's no way...I might have to work on the first one, you know, to get them all even."

And this is how (if you're not me) you learn to shut up.