Friday, June 24, 2011

Weekly Playboy Ads

First up, for the people wondering: Yes I was punished. Oh my baby JESUS was I punished. The marks curved around my thighs and hurt so bad it hurt to lie down on my sides.
Husband used a thin, looped power cord first (it's his favorite cause it doesn't make this loud slapping noise on impact, so the only sound he's hearing is my hollering), then the paddle, then the flogger.
I thought he was done after the paddle. There always comes this point at the end of a punishment when things begin to wind down, and you just get a sense that it's almost over, you know? And then yesterday, I thought he was done after the paddle...he "made nice" and lulled me into thinking it was over...and then he started in with the flogger. It didn't hurt as much as the cord, but my dismay at that point was overwhelming. I was crying before he was done.
Anyway. It's done. I won't be making the same mistake again.
This post brought to you by the nice ladies of November 1990.
I'm skipping a couple months I think, but this issue is such a doozy I decided I couldn't wait. What makes it so special, you may ask?
For starters, I opened the front page and saw this:
"Pierre, catch me, I'm falling!"
"I got you, Frachesca. Now look all pouty-intense for the camera."
That guy on the right, his hair--that ushered in the new decade right there. Did you notice how they all have these looks on their faces, like they're all stuffed with butt plugs? And the guy on top is like, "what?  What's the big deal? Butt plugs aren't so bad. What's with you guys?"
Kinda like what I was saying when I saw the ad in the first place.
The artistry continues:
This is a beautiful kimono. The model is gorgeous. But what does a geisha have to do with beer? Assuming she is a geisha. I never heard of a geisha that serves beer, but then, I've never personally known a geisha. If anyone out there personally knows a geisha, ask 'em for me if they serve beer, okay? Okay.

Let's move on the technological signs of the times. This music player claims it's designed for people with little space, and doesn't look all that small to me. At first glance, it looks like it's supposed to fit compactly into a book shelf, but if you look closer, you realize the whole thing's been photoshopped. You see the picture in the lower right? The one of the whole system? Yah, that's about the same actual size of an Ipod shuffle right there.
Mind boggling if you ask me.

Speaking of photoshopped:
Let's spot the problems, shall we?
1. The girl in the blue bikini has no legs.
2. The girl in the blue-checkered bikini has nothing at all below the rib cage.
3. The girl in the red bikini has no right arm.
4. The girl in the yellow bikini seems to have a twisted spine.
Maybe it's an ad for amputees? I actually think that would be uber cool. There's nothing that says an amputee can't be a total hotty, you know--and I'd argue with anyone who says otherwise. I once dated a guy missing two fingers on one hand (war wound), but what he could do with those three other fingers was awesome. And quite talented.

Let's look at a couple T.V. ads. This T.V. is smart. Why? Because it has a "smart window," a "picture-in-a-picture." Apparently this is great for sports fans, but not for the rest of us who don't know the difference between the World Cup and the Super Bowl and frankly, don't really care.
Yeah, I admitted it. So there.
The funniest thing is the small print, there at the bottom, if you can read it: the "smart window" only works if you have the T.V. hooked up to a VCR. No explaining why.

This ad seems to (want to) appeal to the more sophisticated, more refined reader. Notice the spongy-textured background of polished wood. Notice the DVD player it seems to come with. Notice how it's Elite. Notice the two graphs on the left which prove how this TV is better, because graphs prove everything. 

You might need a VCR with this one too, though.

So get the VCR even a five-year-old can use!

Seriously, do you remember how hard it used to be to program those VCRs? No one could, no matter what the ads said, but the VCR that could market itself as the easiest to program always won out. Even though we all knew it was a lie.

I haven't used a VCR in years. My youngest kid doesn't even know what one is.

I am old.

So is this computer:

You get a word processor that can convert to a typewriter, and 50,000 word memory, and a spelling/grammer check, and a printer, and a monitor! All for $900! EAT YOUR HEART OUT, LAPTOP!

I just laughed out loud when I saw this ad.
You know what these are, right? They're balls. Gold balls--that want you to "Hang Tough." If that weren't bad enough, there's a picture on the left of the balls being held by a...monkey. Are they trying to tell you you are a monkey for buying these balls? Or that you'll have monkey balls? Does either one really appeal?
One thing's for sure, these are NOT "power tools." Having a pair of gold balls on your desk does not make anyone look powerful. But I'm sure they'll be a conversation-starter.
And finally, our last ad, which happens to be on the back of the Playboy itself.
It will change the way you hear music by turning your female companion into a dog. Unless she was always a dog. In which case, you really need to put down the Playboy and get yourself out of the house. Go to a munch or a club or something.
I like the flowers on the side though. They were a nice touch.
I'm putting this post up a day early 'cause I'm going on vacation for a week and won't be around. No posts till I get back probably, unless I get access to a computer somewhere. See you later, Kinksters!

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