I know your aversion to "drama." I understand you don't want people looking at you for all the wrong reasons, to satisfy some nasty little need to be fascinated by something. I know you don't want people judging you, or worse, pitying you. You've heard me use the quote,"pity is always laced with a little bit of contempt," and I hold that to be true.
(Which is why I do not pity you, and will not, ever. Because, my friend, if you hear me say I pity someone, you can know I mean it as the dirtiest insult.)
I also understand you don't want to burden anyone with your thoughts, your feelings, your concerns. The world of BDSM is blanketed with land mines of fallen reputations, twisted with labels and innuendoes. At its core, the thing that helps us keep marching on to find our own way, the thing that unites us, our most cherished ideal, is this: consent.
Forcing another to go through pain, fear, humiliation, intimidation, any of the sensations we subs relish in the proper circumstances, become the ultimate taboo if there's a lack of consent.
So I get it: you don't want to share your "drama," because it might make others feel uncomfortable. It might make them get angry on your behalf, or question things they don't want to have to question. It might make them afraid.
And forcing them to feel those things without their consent might construed as, oh, let's say, rude.
But here's the thing, my friend: you are not saving anyone by keeping your emotions locked inside. Not your friends who care about you, not the people who would appreciate the chance to support you, and certainly not yourself.
Life is full of things we'd rather not see. It's tough that way. Sometimes we have to turn away, just to save ourselves. But most of us,
(I'd like to think most of us)
always, always, would rather hear what is going on...not to get some weird sense of fascination from it, not to find glory in it, but to try to make things better.
And there will be some who deride you. Some who will call you a liar. And yes, some disgusting immature people who will call you a drama queen.
Ignore them. They are not worth your time, your effort, even your contempt. They are not worth a single brain cell needed for thought. Because they do not understand life is not handed to you on a silver platter, already cut into bite-sized pieces with the gristle carved away. Life does not ask for your consent. Life is hard that way.
I pity them.
But there is so much beauty in the world, too: so much color, and wonder, and joy. Hopes, and dreams, and impossibilities being made possible, every day.
You are a joy, my friend. You are part of the beauty I see in this world. You, with your pain and despair, I hold dear to my heart.
So if you need anyone's consent to let loose the beast inside you, I give it you, freely.
Let the beast run, my friend.
Let the beast run.
And then let it go.