Sunday, June 3, 2012

Coming Out of the Cave

I get the feeling sometimes people think Husband and I have this perfect, 'June and Ward' relationship. It's not true. --My last tweet

Maybe it's my fault people think this. I don't like to write about Husband's bad side. He's not here to defend himself (although that's his own fault; I'll get to that in a minute). And it's not fair for me to highlight all his unattractive issues, when I have so many myself. 

But everything is not okay in Cassa Cross. We're facing a line in the sand that's turning into a wall, and I don't know how to hurdle it. 

I live in an area that has a very strong, vibrant, and large kink community. I'm not kidding when I say I could go to a different much every night for a month if I wanted to. I don't know if other communities in other areas are that dynamic, but I'm guessing not, at least not most of them.

After all this time, I'm still not in "the scene." I don't go to munches on a regular basis. I don't go to events. People don't know who I am.
I was at a munch last week, and I told people I've been in a D/s relationship for 16 years (more, if you count the time before we were married). They all assumed I must be new to the area; because how can you be in a D/s relationship for that long and not be known in the kink community?

I am not trying to imply there's something wrong with not being in "The Community." My relationship with my Husband didn't need "The Community" to thrive. If you don't want to be involved in the kink community, that's fine. 

But here's the problem: I want to be. 
Husband does not.

He has nothing against kinky people. He has a problem with people in general. As I've said before, he's as social as a cave monk. 
I want to go to munches, and events, and classes. I want to be invited to parties. I want to invite other people to my parties. I want to make real life friends.
Husband has no issue with me going to all these things on my own. In fact, he encourages me to go and have fun. But he refuses to join me.

And I go to munches, and I see other couples there talking and laughing, and I get jealous. I resent Husband for not being willing to make this effort for me. It gets uncomfortable having to explain to people over and over again that yes, I have a Dom, yes, we are monogamous, but no, he is not there with me. You will probably never meet him. But he really is real! He's not imaginary! I'm not making him up! He's just...absent. 

Husband and I have spoken about this many times. His answer always boils down to I'm willing to go to an event where I can make you scream. I'm not going so I can talk to people. If you're going to make me feel obligated to talk to people, count me out.
And the thing is, he's not obligated to talk to people. I've told him he doesn't have to say a single damn word if he doesn't want to. All he has to do is be by my side.
But he doesn't even want to be around people. If you want me to go out to dinner with you, we'll go, just the two of us, he says. If other people are showing up, I'm not going. 

He didn't use to be like this. Years and years ago, when we were still living in Israel, we had a nice circle of friends we could hang out and play with. 
(It sounds so kindergartenish: You want to come out and play? Why can't life be more like that?)
I want that back. 

Dear Husband, why can't you make the slightest effort for me on this matter? A munch is a few hours of your life. I've already told you, you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. You don't have to open your fucking mouth. Just COME with me. Sit by my side, hold my hand, look like you're happy to be seen with me in public. Why is this so hard? Why can't you do this for me? Why do you have to turn this into a line in the sand? 

I don't know what to do. The ball is in his court. I'm not going to stop going to munches now; I'm going to another one this week. But I'll keep feeling awkward, keep getting jealous of the other happy couples I see there...and my resentment will keep growing. 
And then what?


  1. Oh dear this is such a difficult position to find yourselves in. One of you hungry from the social interaction and the other completely disinterested. Doesn't sound too bad when you have his blessing to alone BUT I know I would be just like you. I want my Dom/husband to be with me, it is just not as fun when he isn't to be honest.

    I am wondering though, you don't really explore WHY he doesn't want to go, is he just not a sociable person? (although you say he was before so I wonder what changed) or maybe there is other reasons, maybe he has developed a fear of groups or crowds?


  2. Thanks for understanding, Molly. I was afraid people would be like 'be happy he's letting you go alone, and leave the man be.' Like you say, it's just not as fun.
    I have no idea why he doesn't want to go. Once he's been forced into a social situation, he's fine: he'll even admit later he had a good time. But getting him to agree to go is like pulling teeth...out of a grizzly bear.
    I just tried again to talk to him about it. He told me to 'drop it.'

  3. I get this. I'm not entirely comfortable with munches myself (I'd love kinky friends but...), but we've gone to a few other sorts of meetups. In the end he goes with me because he wants me to be happy and he wants to BE with me, regardless where we are. He doesn't do a lot of talking, either, to other people. But he's there with me, and he talks to me. I wouldn't go alone, myself, so I'd feel even more stuck than you are in your situation. I want to be with him more than I want the social intereaction.

    I once introduced him to a group of people I was talking to, when he walked over to us: "Hi, this is m'Husband. He doesn't like people."

  4. Lol, Conina, that's exactly how I'd have to introduce Husband--if he ever came with me!
    I don't know, maybe he'd feel more obligated to come if he knew I wouldn't go without him. But his attitude is, "you can go by yourself, so do it."

  5. My husband and I do a lot of things separately. It doesn't bother me as much as it does him. He wants me at his stuff. I just don't go sometimes.

    However, as the sub, I don't want to go to a munch alone. That just seems weird to me and yes, we have opportunities to go to munches, but with the kid, only one of us can go. For whatever reason, he would like it to be me. I would like it to be him.

    I know this is not the same situation, but my point is maybe it is the munch that is the problem. Will he interact with vanilla peeps? Or no one at all?

  6. Kitty--
    He doesn't like to interact with anyone who is not a v v good friend. I've tried to explain to him you can't MAKE a v v good friend unless you get to KNOW them first, and you need to interact with people for that to happen. He gets it, but deep down, can't reconcile it. He's still friends with the guys he's known since he was a teenager. They all live far away (some in different countries).

    Our oldest son is old enough to babysit our youngest, so the time is not the problem. Husband could go. He chooses not to.

    1. Well now, that makes it harder. I call that the rigidity of the brain that happens as men get older.

      Seems like they are less, oh, something. And I feel you.

      Next thought - meeting people at an area of interest - season tickets to a sport or an arts that puts you in the same seats over time - things like that?

      But really, I obviously am not the one who can fix this - it is more something that you will either work out or learn to live with (not that you have to, but you know that something will have to give).

      BTW, did I ever tell you I loved the Hotel Bentmoore? I do!

  7. It's so difficult to be at a cross-roads like this and to get past it. I have a close friend whose husband is this way and she says that ever since meeting us that she is so happy he actually goes out (with all of us) now. She says he never would before and she would always out on her own but missed him being there.

    I can relate a little bit because I get such anxiety before going out and I sometimes even beg for us to stay in for the night...but my husband forces me and I almost always end up having the best time. I know this about myself and it's still a challenge. In the past year I am actually forcing myself to go out and have fun. I wish there was a way for him to do that for you.

    Could you plan a small get together at your place so he could possibly warm up to one or two? This and just keep talking (later perhaps) are my only suggestions. Relationships are hard! I'm sorry you're going through this.

    1. "Relationships are hard." True words. *sigh*
      It'll work itself out. I might try your idea of going out with one other couple, instead of a large group.