I get the feeling sometimes people think Husband and I have this perfect, 'June and Ward' relationship. It's not true. --My last tweet
Maybe it's my fault people think this. I don't like to write about Husband's bad side. He's not here to defend himself (although that's his own fault; I'll get to that in a minute). And it's not fair for me to highlight all his unattractive issues, when I have so many myself.
But everything is not okay in Cassa Cross. We're facing a line in the sand that's turning into a wall, and I don't know how to hurdle it.
I live in an area that has a very strong, vibrant, and large kink community. I'm not kidding when I say I could go to a different much every night for a month if I wanted to. I don't know if other communities in other areas are that dynamic, but I'm guessing not, at least not most of them.
After all this time, I'm still not in "the scene." I don't go to munches on a regular basis. I don't go to events. People don't know who I am.
I was at a munch last week, and I told people I've been in a D/s relationship for 16 years (more, if you count the time before we were married). They all assumed I must be new to the area; because how can you be in a D/s relationship for that long and not be known in the kink community?
I am not trying to imply there's something wrong with not being in "The Community." My relationship with my Husband didn't need "The Community" to thrive. If you don't want to be involved in the kink community, that's fine.
But here's the problem: I want to be.
Husband does not.
He has nothing against kinky people. He has a problem with people in general. As I've said before, he's as social as a cave monk.
I want to go to munches, and events, and classes. I want to be invited to parties. I want to invite other people to my parties. I want to make real life friends.
Husband has no issue with me going to all these things on my own. In fact, he encourages me to go and have fun. But he refuses to join me.
And I go to munches, and I see other couples there talking and laughing, and I get jealous. I resent Husband for not being willing to make this effort for me. It gets uncomfortable having to explain to people over and over again that yes, I have a Dom, yes, we are monogamous, but no, he is not there with me. You will probably never meet him. But he really is real! He's not imaginary! I'm not making him up! He's just...absent.
Husband and I have spoken about this many times. His answer always boils down to I'm willing to go to an event where I can make you scream. I'm not going so I can talk to people. If you're going to make me feel obligated to talk to people, count me out.
And the thing is, he's not obligated to talk to people. I've told him he doesn't have to say a single damn word if he doesn't want to. All he has to do is be by my side.
But he doesn't even want to be around people. If you want me to go out to dinner with you, we'll go, just the two of us, he says. If other people are showing up, I'm not going.
He didn't use to be like this. Years and years ago, when we were still living in Israel, we had a nice circle of friends we could hang out and play with.
(It sounds so kindergartenish: You want to come out and play? Why can't life be more like that?)
I want that back.
Dear Husband, why can't you make the slightest effort for me on this matter? A munch is a few hours of your life. I've already told you, you don't have to talk to anyone if you don't want to. You don't have to open your fucking mouth. Just COME with me. Sit by my side, hold my hand, look like you're happy to be seen with me in public. Why is this so hard? Why can't you do this for me? Why do you have to turn this into a line in the sand?
I don't know what to do. The ball is in his court. I'm not going to stop going to munches now; I'm going to another one this week. But I'll keep feeling awkward, keep getting jealous of the other happy couples I see there...and my resentment will keep growing.
And then what?