Monday, March 11, 2013

No Means No For Subs, Too

I was warned, when I started coming out in The Community, that as a submissive female, I would have no lack of "dance partners." It was explained to me that despite what I may have thought, there was no shortage of Doms, Sadists, and Tops who would be willing to work
with me inside my own limits and confines, to share in some fun and fantastic scenes.

I have now been in The Scene long enough to know this is absolutely true. When I go to a party or event where play is an option, more often than not, my dance card is filled before I even get there. I have to consciously leave some time available for impromptu play, otherwise I over-schedule myself. Sometimes the Tops approach me about play; sometimes I approach them.

When I'm the one approaching them, I usually get a pretty standard reaction. First, they give me a look of surprise; then, their eyes widen in delight; then, their mouths spread in an evil, sadistic smile; and then comes the typical response: "What kind of play did you have in mind?"

This is not to say I am never turned down. In fact, I have been turned down for play many times. But here's the thing: I never get upset about it.

There is absolutely zero point to getting upset when a person rejects your request to play. At best, you look like an insecure, childish neophyte who can't deal with rejection. At worst, you look like a whiny, petulant brat. Because here's the other thing: They owe you no explanation.

Let me say that again: THEY OWE YOU NO EXPLANATION.

No means no. If they don't want to play with you, they don't need to tell you why. It's your responsibility to accept their answer gracefully and move on.
Trying to get negotiations going with questions like "why don't you want to play with me?" or "what can I do to change your mind?" come across as obnoxiously pushy. Making statements like "but I was really looking forward to playing with you" or "but I think you and I could get along so well together" make you look like a smug asshole.
The only correct response to a 'no' reply is "okay." You might be able to get in a 'let's still be friends, then' or a 'sorry to hear that, but I understand.'... but even that last statement is pushing it a little bit, because you're still implying they owe you some kind of apology and explanation for your hurt feelings.

Sometimes I get a reason for why the person doesn't want to play with me. These reasons have included:
• The person wants to talk my Dom (Husband) about it first.
• The person doesn't know me well enough yet, and doesn't play with people s/he doesn't know.
• The person has not introduced me to their Dom/me yet, and does not have permission to play with anyone before getting the ok from their Dom first.
•The person is simply not taking on anymore play partners at this time.

Some reasons I was not explicitly given, but inferred, included:
•The person is only willing to play with people s/he can also have sex with. (Husband and I are sexually monogamous.)
•The person finds me too old/out of shape/unattractive.
•The person is not willing to work inside my stated boundaries, recognizes that, and so refuses play.

Any and all of these reasons are legitimate reasons not to play with me.
Does that mean I like all of them? Hell no. Who likes feeling as if someone doesn't want to play with you because you're too fat, or too old, or too ugly? And as for talking to my Dom first: Husband has allowed me to negotiate my own play. I understand why others may not trust that--there are plenty of women out there who claim to have their Husband's (or SO's) permission when they don't--but I'm not going to make your insecurities my problem. Like I said, if you don't want to play with me, for whatever reason, that is fine. I have other options, and other play partners available. You need to do what you think is right for you; if rejecting my offer to play is what you need to do, then do it.
Don't feel bad.
Don't worry about my feelings.
I'm not going to start whining, crying, or blubbering like a baby.

But please, don't expect me to beg, either.
No means no. Once I hear a no, I back off and walk away.
 So if you said no just to get me to start begging? You fucked up big time.

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