Saturday, September 7, 2013

Free to Not Want

If you've been in the scene for any length of time, you've probably seen this one before: a submissive masochist—let's say female, since I am speaking as a female submissive masochist—will start talking about her journey in kink, how she's getting into things she wasn't before, how she's discovering herself, she's learning, and trying, new tools, new techniques, and new methods of play.
Her point at the end always seems to be something along the lines of I didn't know I would like that so much, but I did! And it's awesome! I want more of that! More more more!
Inevitably, people within earshot—especially if they are male Dom Sadists—will applause and congratulate the sub on her journey of self discovery. She is lauded for being adventurous, and for stepping out of her comfort zone, facing her fear, to try something more kinky. And there are usually head nods of conveyed understanding, because of course she liked what she tried, all she had to do was go for it, to open up a whole new world of kink.

Here is something you don't usually see: a submissive masochist talking about how she stepped out of her comfort zone to try something new, was willing to face her fear, conquer whatever mental restraints she had holding her back, and decided in the end, she didn't like it, not one whit.
Very few submissive masochists own up to that shit, and people in the scene don't commend that. Kinksters don't praise that attitude.

And what I want to know is, why the fuck not?

Why don't we compliment people in the scene for discovering things they don't like? I don't know if this is an issue for Dominant Sadists, but it sure is a big issue for submissive masochists, speaking from a personal vantage point.
There seems to be this expectation on our journey of self-exploration, that the farther we go, the more willing and open we're supposed to be to, well, just about anything. If we decide we don't like something, that that's just not our kink, then something's wrong with the master plan.
We're supposed to get more kinky, not less.
More kink means more toys, more humiliation, more tears, more positions, more screams, more play.
More of everything.
More more more.

But guess what? Kink is not about conquering limits and facing fears. Well, it is for some of us, but it's about other things, too. It's about options, inclinations, choices of desire, deciding for ourselves what turns us on and what doesn't.

Kink, in a way, is about seducing ourselves.

Too many Doms and Sadists out there share a mindset that women are trapped in this prison of their own inhibitions, and it's the Dominant Sadist's job to free them from it. Once done, the Dominant Sadists think they deserve, and will receive, praise, respect, and reverence from the women they've liberated, as well as the community, for managing the herculean feat of transforming a shy, ignorant girl into a full-fledged kinky woman.

But this is not true freedom. The woman isn't free, she's just traded one set of confines for another. She's stuck in someone else's expectations of fantasy; maybe it's one Dominant Sadist's, or maybe it's the community's at large. But she's striving to become someone she's not, to meet someone else's set of ideals—not her ideals.

The bottom line is, a woman should be able to decide for herself what she wants and likes, and in order for her to do that, she also has to decide what she doesn't want or like.
It is so simple a concept, so logical when you think about it...and yet so many of us forget, or choose not to see.

Fetlife doesn't make it any easier. Notice how people can add as many fetishes as they want, yet have no way of creating a "limits" list? Sure, people can write one up themselves to put on their profile, but how many people actually do that?
Why are there so few?

So this is me, this is where I am on my journey right now: I don't like rope. Rope is not my kink. I don't like anything tight on me. I do love chain, but I let a very select few restrain me in that way, so if you've never been in my house and met my dog, you are likely not one of the few. I don't like needles. I don't like bugs, especially spiders.
There's more to this list, of course. If there's ever a need, I'll reveal more. But this is good for now.

I'm a work in process. I'm evolving. We all are, I think. Our lists change with time. But we should always be able to state with pride who we are, what we like...what we want, and what we don't.


  1. You raise a good point. :) Everyone's gotta feel comfortable having limits. And any dom worth playing with will insist on going over limits before play. He'll also respect those limits.

    I've had dominant guys (whom I trust) push my limits a little, which I enjoy. It's part of the headgame for me. I think people 'applaud' sexual discovery because it's interesting to try things and find out we like something new.

    We are definitely all works in progress! I love remembering that. I'm not the same woman I was two years ago. In two more years, I'll be different. Maybe I'll be a dominatrix!

    (doubt it)

    :) Sadey

  2. You nailed it.

    The funny thing is that when I have discovered that I don't like something I find myself wondering what's wrong with me instead of just accepting that there are some bdsm activities that I just don't enjoy.

  3. I don't know if I agree. I am a submissive female masochist and I have a (deserved) reputation for being willing to try almost anything. Unless I think some form of play may be traumatic for me, I'll try it once, maybe twice. And most of the time when I try something new that I don't expect to like, I find out I don't just not like it, I HATE it. And in my experience, people respect that I'm willing to try instead of showing up with a long list of limits with no basis in experience or, worse, saying "ewww" when I see something I don't like. So I do think people in the scene commend it.

    I agree with you, though, that it's unusual for bottoms to try new things and be open about not liking them. I hear a lot more "eww" reactions than "tried it, hate it". I do wish people would try more things; that's how we grow and sometimes the new thing is awesome.