They'll Promise You the Fucking World

Contrary to what (cough cough) certain men want you to think, semen and male cum is not a cure-all. Oh, THEY will do their best to tell you otherwise. But do not let yourself be convinced! It's just a ploy. THEY will promise you anything and everything to get that white gunk all over you if you give them the chance.

So let's "debunk the gunk," shall we? Contrary to promoted claims, male cum does NOT:

• Freshen breath
• Whiten teeth 
• Help a sore throat
• Heal a burned tongue
• Get rid of acne
• Relax a bad back or stiff muscle
• Cure headaches
• Alleviate PMS
• Stop hair loss
• Ease shortness of breath
• Bring down a fever
• Moisturize dry skin 
• Quiet a cough
• Cure an upset stomach
• Alleviate gas
• Soften wrinkles
• Make your nails grow faster
• Make your hair grow stronger
• Bleach your asshole
• Heal a bruise faster
• Stop a cut (or nose) from bleeding 
• Clean out your ears
• Alleviate rug burn
• Make you smarter
• Make you faster
• Make you stronger
• Make you a superhero (unless you give really good blowjobs, in which case you can call yourself SuperBlow) (Gags are your kryptonite)
• Make you feel better when he is contractually obligated to do the dishes, and he still does not do them
• Bring peace to the Middle East
• Solve world hunger
• Make your internet faster
• Make you remember where you left your glasses
• Return your library books for you
• Stop the dog from shitting on the carpet (I really wish this one were true)
• Clean the kitchen for you, or do any of the other household chores 
• Help you lose weight
• Help credit card debt
• Stop telemarketers from calling you
• Make the TV season longer

I'm sure more of a few of you can add to this list. I'll tack them on as they arrive to me. And remember: DON'T SUCCUMB TO THE PROMISES OF CUM!