I wrote the following post on Fetlife this past weekend, and it's caused quite a bit of controversy—more than I thought rational, frankly.
I realize it's hard to get consensus on what should be reasonable grounds to get someone banned from kinky events. Many times, situations come down to the 'he said, she said' problem, and when one of the people involved in the 'drama' happens to be a friend, it's easy to let personal feelings get in the way. No one wants to believe their friend is capable of abuse; no one wants to believe their friend is capable of making up abuse. Proof and verifiable fact is often hard to come by.
But I would like to think we can ALL agree that these four types should not be allowed to kinky events. If we cannot agree on even THIS, we are, in my opinion, in trouble.
1. Anyone who has been convicted of rape, sexual assault, or attempted murder.
I shouldn't even have to explain this one. Seriously people.
(Except, apparently, I did and do have to explain this one, because people on Fetlife started asking me things like 'What if the attempted murder was in self-defense?' and 'What about actual murder, and not attempted murder?' So here's my answer: IF SOMEONE HAS BEEN CONVICTED OF MURDER, THEY SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED IN KINK EVENTS. Jesus, the fact that I even have to type this out....also, I am not interested in 'what if' situations. 'What if the person deserved to be murdered?' Really?....Really?)
2. Anyone who engages in child pornography.
It all comes down to consent: children cannot consent. If you don't get why that is, you do not understand consent, and you're a danger to the rest of us.
(This is where I had on Fetlife people telling me how this is too vague because different countries have different ages of consent, and in some countries it's eighteen while in others it's fourteen. To which all I can think to say is, IF YOU ARE HAVING SEX WITH A FOURTEEN YEAR OLD GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME.)
3. Anyone who is on the National Sex Registry/a registered sex offender.
Don't tell me how easy it is to wind up as a registered sex offender. I don't want to hear your one-sided version of how it wasn't your fault, how you were duped, how the judge was out to get you. If we allow known sex offenders into our play spaces, we basically throw any semblance of caring about the safety of our community out the window.
(This one caused a huge stir. Yes, I understand that people who are not a danger to society are ending up on the registry; yes, I think that's sad. But if we get so bogged down with every 'what if' situation, we keep no standards whatsover. To every rule there is an exception...and to every exception there is a rule.)
4. Anyone who is a self-admitted rapist, abuser, stalker, sociopath, or psychopath—whether they have been convicted of any crimes or not.
I am not talking about those who made a mistake or two on their journey, owned up to their mistakes, learned from them, and moved on. If we banned every Top who ever acted "unDomly" (read: like an asshole), we'd end up with play spaces with no Tops; if we banned every bottom who ever acted like a childish brat, we'd end up with play spaces with no bottoms. I am talking about people who have admitted to violating consent, perhaps publicly justified it, perhaps even braggedabout it, showed absolutely no remorse, and shamed their victims into silence in the process. I am talking about those who would probably face conviction of a crime if their victim(s) were willing to come forward. I am talking about those who glorify their own abusive and criminal behavior.
(For some reason commentators on Fetlife read the heading, but not the paragraph. I am not talking about safe sociopaths here. I realize there are plenty of people with different mental illnesses in our communities who are good, upstanding, model citizens; I am not talking about them. Like I said, I am talking about those people who do evil and feel no regret, remorse, or shame about it.)