Wednesday, June 27, 2012

That Garden Gnome Sure is Shiny

Day four of Ohio exile.

I am horny as hell.

I never bring a sex toy like a vibrator or dildo to my parents' house, mainly because if my mother ever found it, I'd dig a hole in her pristine backyard, crawl into it, cover it over with deer poop, and die. My mother would mark my grave with a bird bath or lawn ornament (gnomes. She has a shit-load of gnomes) and perhaps plant a tree in my honor, but that would be it.

About planting trees over graves:

Years ago, when she visited her father's grave, she planted some kind of creeping ivy over it. Last time she went back, she took a cutting of this plant, brought it home, and planted it in her own back yard. Am I the only one who thinks this is creepy? This plant was nourished with the bones of her dead father. Doesn't this make it, I don't know, somehow murderous? Or at least carnivorous?

Anyway. I never bring a sex toy to my parents house. This creates a problem, because I am spoiled rotten: I never have to rely on just my hands alone, I always have Husband to 'help' me in this regard, either with his cock, his hands, or with a toy. Orgasms with toys are so much nicer than with hands alone.

It doesn't beat cock, of course. I think, if I had to put them in order of best to, uh, not so best (there is no such thing as a worst orgasm, is there?), I'd put it thusly:
1. Orgasm with cock
2. Orgasm with vibrator
3. Orgasm with dildo/Husband's hands
4. Orgasm by my lonely self, no help, and good luck with that.

The good news is I am blessed with a relatively creative mind. There are lots of things that can be used as dildos.
Coke bottles can be made into dildos. An old toothbrush can be used as a dildo; an electric toothbrush makes a pretty fine vibrator. You get yourself a coke bottle and an old electric toothbrush, and voila, orgasm is attainable. There are other things around the house that can be turned into a sex toy, but it really depends on the house and how attached you are to the object. For instance, if your mother is particularly attached to a certain garden gnome, you might not want to stick it up your vagina, even if it is the perfect size and shape.
Unless your mother just insulted your parenting skills, and you are feeling particularly spiteful.
Just saying.


  1. Orgasms with hands are good for me... but I have to agree - cock is the best. :)

    With the right fantasy though, they all work.