Monday, July 2, 2012

Eventually, Everything Looks Normal

This post is not about kink. This post is my attempt to tell you guys a funny story while being unable to give hand motions and facial expressions during the telling. I typically have to include hand motions and facial expressions when telling my funny stories, just because. But my sister said this story is so funny, I should try to post it anyway.
So here goes.

I took my kids to Walmart yesterday. (I think that single opening sentence manages to set the scene quite nicely.)
We did all our shopping, managed to find a register with only a couple people in front of us, did our stint at waiting in line, and finally got up to the register. When I got there, I noticed there was a woman there, slightly in front of the counter, sitting in one of those shopping scooters. She was staring at the checking woman.
Scooter Lady had very big eyes.
Okay not this big, but pretty fucking huge. Big enough that they looked like they could pop out of her head at any moment on eyestalks and float above her head, like a human scooter snail.
So when I say she was "staring" at the checkout woman, what I mean is, "she looked like she was trying to make the other woman's head explode with her mind powers, and was making the rest of us really, really, uncomfortable in the attempt."
The checkout woman didn't seem to notice though. If she did, she didn't care.
I focused my energy on putting my own items on the checkout counter, so I wouldn't have to see if those eyes did pop out and float up.
The woman in the scooter said something to the checkout woman. I didn't catch what she said; but I did hear the checkout woman answer back, "She went to go check. She'll come back."
The scooter lady said something else. Checkout woman said again, this time louder and slower, "She went to go look. She'll come back."
At this point, I realized Scooter Lady was waiting for something. She had been in line, and something had gone wrong, mostly likely a price discrepancy, and she was waiting for someone to come back and correct the problem.
The wait did not sit well with Scooter Lady. Neither did Checkout Woman's nonchalance.
Scooter Lady yelled, "I do not have time to wait for her to come back! I have other things to do! I'm going to leave!"
A slow smile crept across the checkout woman's face. She said: "That's fine. Thank you for shopping at Walmart. Have a nice day."
The change that came over Scooter Lady was subtle, but no less scary.
Believe it or not, her eyes got BIGGER. At the same time, her skin paled, every tendon in her forehead popped out, and her mouth became a thin, stiff line.
She sat there for a moment, clearly at a loss. She had been bluffing, you see, but now it was too late. She had to go. Checkout Woman knew this; her smile grew wider, and I swear I heard a small chuckle come out of her mouth.
Scooter Woman revved up her scooter. She turned the wheel and went forward a bit, and for a second, I thought she was trying to turn around.
But then she put the scooter in reverse...and rammed it back, right into the checkout counter.
Then she did it again.
And again.
And I cannot describe to you the surreal feeling of standing there, watching this woman ram her scooter into the counter, over and over again, while the checkout woman merely continued to ring up my items and put them into bags. After the third ram, I told my kids to move over a bit, to make sure they wouldn't get hit by this woman's bout of...what would you call this? Checkout rage? Scooter rage?
The checkout woman didn't act like anything strange was happening at all. And why should she? She works at Walmart, most likely she makes minimum wage with no benefits. Why should she care? Nobody else seemed to notice what was happening...or if they did, they didn't see it as anything unusual. Par for the Walmart course.
My kids and I were left to watch this woman ram her scooter into the counter a few more times before she finally rid herself of her rage and scooted away.
The sad fact is, though, she probably did more damage to her scooter than the counter.


  1. Oh, wow.

    Thank you for sharing.

    I avoid Wal-Mart when I can. I know it's not always possible though. (7 months for me, YAY) I used to work at a Dollar General and most customers were also pretty horrible.

  2. Yes. Sounds like Walmart. Maybe that's why I prefer to do that kind of shopping at Target? ;-)

    Stay SINful
    Mr. AP

  3. Yeah, I'm not a normal shopper of Walmart, either. Target is somehow, classier? Isn't that kinda sad?
    But Walmart is closer to my mom's house, and let's be honest, it is cheaper.