Wednesday, February 11, 2015

50 Shades of Grey: Your Options

If you choose to see the movie:

  • See the movie with a group of fellow kinksters, but discreetly, because you don't want to scare the vanillas, GOD FORBID THEY KNOW WE'RE KINKY JUST LIKE THAT MR. GREY GUY, that stuff only exists in movies, it's not real.
  • See the movie with a group of kinksters in full kink uniform because WE'RE KINKY, WE'RE NOT STINKY, ASK US ABOUT STUFF! WE'RE NOT THAT TOUGH (unless you give consent. Then all bets are off). 
  • See the movie by yourself, but not tell anyone. Deny, deny, deny! 

Once you see the movie:
  • Tell everyone how you only went to see the movie because you felt obligated, but you didn't really want to, and it was crap.
  • Tell everyone why the movie does not in any way represent "the lifestyle." Because all our relationships are fucking perfect, just like in that secretary movie. 
  • Tell everyone to just read the plot on wikipedia and save their money that way.
  • Fail to mention how the sex scenes totally turned you on. You were jerking off in the darkness of your own theater seat, but nobody needs to know that.
Once you're back to life:
  • Tell everyone proudly how you saw the movie, using the same tone you'd use to tell them you got a nasty splinter out of your thumb. 
  • Go home and obsessively watch pirated scenes from the movie off of youtube...especially the sex scenes. Mmm, movie sex. Not better than the real thing, but you're probably not getting the real thing, so it'll do.
If you choose NOT to see the movie:
Congrats. I hear American Sniper is good, and has absolutely no controversy surrounding it. 


  1. I highly recommend The Theory of Everything and The Imitation Game, too. Or, if you really must see something crappy, Netflix Ishtar. But don't pay a cent for FSOG.

  2. If you want romance with a little bit of action you can go see Jupiter Ascending. It was ok I personally think they went a little crazy blowing things up but at least you get 90 minutes of Mila Kunis and Channing Tatum. Oh, yeah and Sean Bean.