Friday, February 14, 2014

I'm Lucky: I Don't Get Flowers on Valentine's Day

Background information: Husband has not given me flowers in over sixteen years. This is because the last time he bought me flowers (sixfuckingteen years ago), they were roses, and I don't like roses. I told him I don't like roses, and he took this to mean "Wife doesn't like flowers." The idea got stuck in his head, and I've never managed to correct him of it…the stubborn man.
Which leads us to this morning…

Me: Happy Valentine's Day!
Husband: Happy Valentine's Day. (Kisses me on the forehead.) Do you want anything special?
Me: Yes?
Husband: I promise I won't buy you chocolate.
Me: Thank you.
Husband: And I won't buy you flowers.
Me: (spluttering) What? What? Why not? Why don't you ever buy me flowers?
Husband: Because you don't like flowers?
Me: Oh my God! Just—oh my God! That is so not true! We've gone over this! I don't like roses! Just! Roses! Every time you say I don't like flowers, and every time I say it's not true! I like orchids, I like lilies, I like jasmine, I like baby's breath, I like—I like a lot of other flowers! Just not roses!
Husband: (looking at me like I've gone nuts) You've never told me you like flowers.
Husband: Well, it doesn't matter, because I just decided what I'm getting you, and it's not flowers.
Me: (stupidly hopeful) Oh? What?
Husband: I already planned a scene for us on Saturday night when the kids go out…
Me: (less hopeful) Oh?
Husband: And I think you need a new enema kit.
Me: …An enema kit. You're getting me a new enema kit for Valentine's Day.
Husband: Yup.
Me: (mockingly) "Here, honey, I didn't get you flowers, but I got you an enema kit instead. Happy Valentine's Day."
Husband: What can I say? I'm a romantic.
Me: (laughing, cause I couldn't help it) I love you.
Husband: I love you too. See, I knew you'd love it. A new enema kit is better than flowers any day.

What can I say? He's right.


  1. The best present your ever loving husband could have given you on Valentine's Day, is "six of the best' strokes upon your bare bottom. Six of the very best strokes of a pliable stinging cane.

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