Thursday, March 21, 2013

A Spoof on Aftercare

Let us say now you followed all the rules. You found a woman, the two of you got to talking, maybe even watched each other's play technique with other people; you started negotiations, decided on a scene, and it all went really well. So well, in fact, that now you feel like James Fucking Bond, Agent of Tophood, Masterdom, and All That Is Sadistic, and your play partner is sacked out where you left her, looking like her brains have been shaken, not stirred. The world is awesome.


Oh, but wait! You two didn't negotiate aftercare! You didn't realize it was necessary! Well, that's ok. See, unlike the scene the two of you just hashed out, aftercare has nothing to do with what she wants. Hell, she doesn't know what she wants anymore. Look at her; her eyeballs are rolling around her head like a pair of googly-eyes on a cookie monster doll. It's up to you now to know what she needs. Be the Top! Treat her the way she needs to be treated! She may not thank you now, but she'll be grateful in the long run, believe me.
(And I must know what I'm talking about, cause I'm taking the time to write a whole fucking post on aftercare, and these posts are always chock full of awesome goodness, aren't they?)

1. Set her down somewhere in a dark, quiet corner to relax. It should be dark enough that she can fall asleep if she wants to. Hell, it should be dark enough she can't see one foot in front of the other, cause why should she? It's not like she's going anywhere. In fact, it might be a good idea to put some legos on the floor, so you know if tries to get up and walk around; her hollers will warn you in a hurry, so you can put her right back where she belongs. If her friends think it's weird you're hiding her away where nobody can see her, snub your noses at them. This is aftercare, baby.

2. Make sure she has a nice, cozy blanket around her. Her arms should be good and snug by her sides, so she can't flail them around and accidentally hurt herself. Remember, she's got about as much sense now as a newborn babe; in her state, she might do some real damage to her face. In fact, it might be a good idea to go ahead and get out the nail clippers--blunt those nails down. Now's not the time to worry about her manicure. THIS IS HER SAFETY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.
If you don't have a blanket, a straitjacket will do. The important thing is to make her feel secure, protected, and cared for. As you're fastening the straitjacket, you can whisper sweet words in her ear about how she's not going anywhere, and you've got her under your complete control. Let her feel the love.

3. Put some cream on those bruises. Arnica cream is awesome for this; petals from the Calendula Officinalis plant are good, too, and what's better, you can make a tea out of them! Just stick a funnel in her mouth and pour it down her throat. Remember, she needs to be rehydrated, and it's your job to see to her needs!
As you're applying the cream to her skin, rub it in like you're preparing a nice, juicy steak for the grill. It might hurt her, but hey, that's what S and M are all about. While you're rubbing, you can sing a little song to lighten the mood, like "It rubs the lotion on Its skin." The funny looks she'll give you will be those of admiration and respect.
If some of her skin has been cut, take heed: you don't want those cuts to get infected! It's time to pour on the alcohol. She'll scream with pleasure.

4. Give her some food. Have some ready, whatever you think you'll be in the mood for, since you know you'll be noshing on it, too, and she won't really care anyway. Don't worry now about any allergies she might suffer from; the important thing is to get her energy levels and endorphins back up. Chocolate is the best thing for this. If she refuses to eat the chocolate (for some stupid reason like she's on a diet or it has peanuts), pretend like you're in the Harry Potter universe and she's just been attacked by Dementors: GET THAT CHOCOLATE IN HER BELLEH. It's for her own good. If she continues to balk, pretend like you're a real wizard, get your wand out, and start yelling expecto patronum! around the room. A little cosplay never hurt anybody.

5. Give her time. Again, she's not going anywhere until you decide she's safe and ready to go. It could be hours; it could be minutes, if your ride's waiting for you and they've already got the engine idling. The important thing is to make sure she gets to her next destination safely. If you can't do this, ask a couple of your friends to watch over her. It doesn't matter if she knows them or not; she needs to trust in you now, to make the best decisions for her. And those "friends" you just made at the bar, who are eyeing her like she's fresh-baked bread? They will take awesome care of her while you move on to your next scene. (No, you don't need their last names or phone numbers, and it's impolite of you to ask. Confidentiality is key here.)

6. Check in on her the next day to make sure she's ok. If she doesn't accept your phone calls, keep trying; she might just be processing the lovely scene you two shared. If she starts yelling and screaming at you over the phone to leave her the fuck alone, don't take it personally--she's just going through subdrop. In fact, if she is going through subdrop, it might be a good idea to show up at her place unannounced just to let her know how pleased you are with her and how you'd love to play with her again, maybe, right now? Don't take it personally if she calls the cops. Again, this is normal subdrop behavior. She'll get over it, and once she does, she'll be fine, ready, and raring to go!

So there you have it. A guide to aftercare. Remember, it's all up to you now. 
She's bloody and loopy, but don't despair! She just needs some aftercare! 

(*In all seriousness, I do not understand why so few couples negotiate aftercare before they start a heavy scene. But if this happens to you, the most important thing is to follow the bottom's cues, do whatever is right for her/him, and don't blindly follow any piece of advice you read in a BDSM post just because it was written by some "expert." You didn't play with the "expert," you played with the bottom in front of you. Their wishes, and their safety, is most important.)

Monday, March 18, 2013

One of the Questions Put to Me Last Week

How does a rule get made and punishment decided?
I am assuming what is meant here are rules dictated by Husband, to me. There are many rules in this house, some well-stated, and some not, but just as well-understood. The rules I have instigated usually come about through negotiation and discussion, and a great deal of my communicating my frustration and/or unhappiness; while the rules Husband instigates are also set down through negotiation and discussion, but far less.

But I guess the big difference here is this: when I want a rule made, I have to start my reasoning with why should he; while if he wants a rule made, he starts his reasoning with why should she not. I have the onus of convincing him my rule is worth his change of behavior, while he does not share the same responsibility.
There is the other fact that he has veto power and final say. If I have a good reason why his proposal is a bad idea, I have every right to bring that up, but if he disagrees, the changes are still implemented.

For instance, there was a time Husband would not bother to call me if he knew he was going to be home late, even extremely late, because he did not want to take the time to call, and thereby (he claimed) come home even later. But once he understood I didn't need a whole explanation over the phone why he was coming home so late, only a "heads up," and taking that one minute to call me was a far more preferable option than coming home to a red-faced angry dragon of a wife, he started changing his ways. The rule then became, if I am going to be late, I will call.

Of course, the fact that he can punish me while I cannot punish him is a huge, um, influence on our negotiations. But the biggest detriment to breaking a rule is disappointment, and that power can be wielded by both of us; it just depends how much we care.
When I forgot to plug in Husband's shaver that time, he was extremely disappointed in me. That hurt indescribably, and for a long time. On the other hand, he is constantly forgetting to pick up his dirty socks and put them in the laundry hamper. He knows this drives me bonkers, but does that stop him? No, it does not, because he knows I don't care enough to make it a huge issue.

Rules involving the kids are, of course, a bit more complicated. He delegates most of the day-to-day power over the kids to me. This is not say he has relinquished his veto power and final say, but it does mean he recognizes that I probably have more insight into these things than he does. He also recognizes that, as a mother, I will fight harder for my kids than I would for myself.

Making rules takes time. All of them have asterisks next to them, representing the fine-print list of exceptions and bullet-point caveats. For instance, that example I gave before, of Husband calling when he's coming home late? The fine print would state something like

*Husband agrees to call as soon as he realizes he's going to be home late, unless for some reason it is a bad time to call; in which case, he will call as soon as possible. Wife agrees not to demand explanation at that time. Husband agrees to give her one as soon as he is able, with the understanding that may not be until after he has eaten something at home (so he is not a complete grouch). Husband agrees to only come home extremely late if it is completely necessary, Wife agrees to trust Husband what is completely necessary.

With every rule, it always comes back down to trust. I am trusting in Husband to implement the right rules, and use his veto power with discretion. He is trusting in me to communicate to him what he needs to know to make the correct decisions: my thoughts, my opinions, and my wisdom. I am trusting him to trust in me; he is trusting me to trust in him.

As for I said earlier, disappointment is the biggest punishment there is. Now, since my Husband is a Sadist as well as my Dom, my punishments tend to get painful. Husband likes to use toys.
But this is not to say I don't have my own way of letting out my vexation on him. I can get creative, too.

But the important thing to remember is that setting down rules is not a quick-decision-making process. It takes time, thought, and consideration. The urge to move fast can be tempting, but it usually results in temporary, and therefore weak, rules.

Monday, March 11, 2013

No Means No For Subs, Too

I was warned, when I started coming out in The Community, that as a submissive female, I would have no lack of "dance partners." It was explained to me that despite what I may have thought, there was no shortage of Doms, Sadists, and Tops who would be willing to work
with me inside my own limits and confines, to share in some fun and fantastic scenes.

I have now been in The Scene long enough to know this is absolutely true. When I go to a party or event where play is an option, more often than not, my dance card is filled before I even get there. I have to consciously leave some time available for impromptu play, otherwise I over-schedule myself. Sometimes the Tops approach me about play; sometimes I approach them.

When I'm the one approaching them, I usually get a pretty standard reaction. First, they give me a look of surprise; then, their eyes widen in delight; then, their mouths spread in an evil, sadistic smile; and then comes the typical response: "What kind of play did you have in mind?"

This is not to say I am never turned down. In fact, I have been turned down for play many times. But here's the thing: I never get upset about it.

There is absolutely zero point to getting upset when a person rejects your request to play. At best, you look like an insecure, childish neophyte who can't deal with rejection. At worst, you look like a whiny, petulant brat. Because here's the other thing: They owe you no explanation.

Let me say that again: THEY OWE YOU NO EXPLANATION.

No means no. If they don't want to play with you, they don't need to tell you why. It's your responsibility to accept their answer gracefully and move on.
Trying to get negotiations going with questions like "why don't you want to play with me?" or "what can I do to change your mind?" come across as obnoxiously pushy. Making statements like "but I was really looking forward to playing with you" or "but I think you and I could get along so well together" make you look like a smug asshole.
The only correct response to a 'no' reply is "okay." You might be able to get in a 'let's still be friends, then' or a 'sorry to hear that, but I understand.'... but even that last statement is pushing it a little bit, because you're still implying they owe you some kind of apology and explanation for your hurt feelings.

Sometimes I get a reason for why the person doesn't want to play with me. These reasons have included:
• The person wants to talk my Dom (Husband) about it first.
• The person doesn't know me well enough yet, and doesn't play with people s/he doesn't know.
• The person has not introduced me to their Dom/me yet, and does not have permission to play with anyone before getting the ok from their Dom first.
•The person is simply not taking on anymore play partners at this time.

Some reasons I was not explicitly given, but inferred, included:
•The person is only willing to play with people s/he can also have sex with. (Husband and I are sexually monogamous.)
•The person finds me too old/out of shape/unattractive.
•The person is not willing to work inside my stated boundaries, recognizes that, and so refuses play.

Any and all of these reasons are legitimate reasons not to play with me.
Does that mean I like all of them? Hell no. Who likes feeling as if someone doesn't want to play with you because you're too fat, or too old, or too ugly? And as for talking to my Dom first: Husband has allowed me to negotiate my own play. I understand why others may not trust that--there are plenty of women out there who claim to have their Husband's (or SO's) permission when they don't--but I'm not going to make your insecurities my problem. Like I said, if you don't want to play with me, for whatever reason, that is fine. I have other options, and other play partners available. You need to do what you think is right for you; if rejecting my offer to play is what you need to do, then do it.
Don't feel bad.
Don't worry about my feelings.
I'm not going to start whining, crying, or blubbering like a baby.

But please, don't expect me to beg, either.
No means no. Once I hear a no, I back off and walk away.
 So if you said no just to get me to start begging? You fucked up big time.

Friday, March 8, 2013

Even Socks Are On the Table (Kinda)

Lovely readers, the time is going by, and I haven't written a post in a while, I know. But here's the problem:
In order for me to write a post, I need something to write about. Not just anything, though; not something as mundane as my grocery list. No, I need something meaty and juicy, something worthy of the amount of italics I'd use to make it pop. Typically, in order for me to have a topic like that, I'd need some kind of drama to write about.

Now, I have been circling around the perimeters of some pretty serious drama lately. Fetlife has been a fucking mess. A MESS. If any drama deserves--nay, requires--italics to it, it's that mess going on over there.
And there's been some drama among my friends. There's even been some drama among my family. But none of that drama personally touched me, and so I don't feel like it needs to go here.

The fact is, my life has been relatively drama free lately. I mean yeah, I get the occasional problem here and there, but nothing I think you fine people want to hear about.

So what I want to know is: what do you want to hear about? What kind of topics do you want me to discuss here? What questions would you like answers to, that you think I could answer? Any and all ideas will be considered.

Including my socks. Cause, guess what I found out? There are actual websites out there where women can sell their used, smelly, yucky socks, and people will actually buy them to fulfill their fetish! A fellow kinkster told me about this website called ebanned
(no I am not linking to it, you can google it yourself, you perv you)
where you can list this kind of stuff to sell.

And before you ask, I haven't put any of my stuff on there. I was thinking about it, until I had a talk with Husband about it. The conversation went something like this:
Me: I heard of this website where you can sell your used socks--
Him: No.
Me: But you didn't even hear what it's for, and why--
Him: I am a guy, I know what it is for, and NO.
Me: But--
Him: NO. 

So that was that.
Not that I actually would have sold my socks on this site, mind you. I find it too creepy for my tastes. But it's nice to know Husband feels so possessive of my footwear.

Anyway! So if you have any topics for discussion, let me know, and we shall discuss.