Saturday, April 30, 2011

When They Come After Us

When I was a kid, my parents never filtered what I was allowed to read. The deal was, I was allowed to pick whatever I wanted off whatever shelf of the bookstore, and they trusted me to get what I could handle. As I got older, the agreement included a provision that I had to buy any non-school book myself; I was spending a lot of money at that point on books, and we were pretty damn poor. My mom kept trying to convince me to borrow more books from the library, and I did, for older books that I wasn't sure I would like anyway. But most of the time, I wanted my own copies of my books, simply because I was the kind of reader (and still am, to this day) who doesn't read a book just once. I'll go back, again and again, reading different sections, finding favorite quotes, and highlighting points I want to find quickly. And when a new book comes out that I want to read right away, it's usually impossible to get a copy from the library--they've got a waiting list a mile long. The only way to get your hands on it is by buying it.

I have the same policy today with my kids. They are allowed to get whatever they want to read, period. I trust them to pick books that aren't beyond their understanding, nothing they can't 'take,' and so far, they've never let me down or betrayed my trust. I don't shirk my responsibilities as a parent; I keep an eye on what they're reading. But I don't censor.

Amazon, however, has decided it needs to be the Big Mommy in people's lives, and for a while now, it has been censoring books and stories, taking them off the (online) shelves and making them unavailable to readers. All this in the name of "violation of content guidelines." What are they removing, you may ask? Works of erotica. Works that include sexually active teenagers, or have the words "gay" or "lesbian" in the titles, or hint at incest...but really, anything they decide is too dirty to have on their site. They get to decide. Sometimes they put it back up, sometimes they do not.

Of course, it's pretty vague what "violation of content guidelines" means, and what warrants removal. They sell video games that include rape, assault, murder, and gore, and they don't bother making sure they're selling it to adults only. But that's okay. They sell books with tons of violence, racism, sexism, books that promote murder and genocide, books that call for ethnic cleansing and another holocaust; but that's okay. It's books that talk about teenagers having sex that's not okay.

And I would go so far as to say that they target books of graphic erotica that include sex scenes with teenage girls. Because, you know, we should not let people know that teenage girls have sex. Not unless it's sex that's described in purple-prose, all flowery and innocent. And involve regency romance. In period-correct clothing.

Joe Konrath touched on this issue back in January, when he interviewed Selena Kitt, author of works that include fantasy incest. You can read the first part of the interview here, and the second here.

Recently it came to my attention that another erotica author I read, Kendall Swan, has had at least one short story and one story collection taken down by Amazon. Thankfully, I already own the story that has since been banned, "Naked Cheerleader," in one of the story collections I bought months ago. And the story by itself, and the collection, are still available on Barnes and Noble.

But not only has "Naked Cheerleader" been taken down by Amazon, her blog has been taken down, too, and she's been forced to start again. I can't help but be suspicious that the two things are related.

I am sickened by all of this. Amazon has no right to pick and choose what people should be allowed to read, and certainly not by such shoddy, vague, and ridiculous double standards. Authors, and readers, must let Amazon know that what they are doing over there is wrong, it is pointless, and--to put it in a way they can understand--it is contrary to good business practice. People will still find a way to buy the books. They can buy it from a different site, like Barnes and Noble. But what Amazon is doing makes authors angry, readers angry, and, most importantly, customers angry. We don't like to be told what we can and can't buy, what's good for us and what's not. We get to decide that, not them.

We don't need Amazon telling us what kind of kink is okay, and what crosses a line. Our lines are our own. I think authors and kink-lovers need to stand together on this, and get the point across.

Friday, April 29, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 10

"What are your hard limits?"

This one is easy: needle play. I cannot stand looking at needles, being around needles, or thinking about needles. Just writing out that sentence about needles made me start to feel like I have to throw up.

And I would never allow a third person into our sex life, neither man nor woman. Going to shows, watching scenes, being a spectator--that's one thing. Allowing someone else to touch me, or my husband, sexually for the purpose of intercourse, that would not be okay. Not that this has ever been an issue. My husband cannot stand the idea of another man even touching me, unless it's a polite kiss on the cheek.

Everything else, at least everything else I can think of, I'd be willing to try at least once. We've never tried anything like cosplay or pony play, because we have absolutely no desire to. But if my husband suddenly decided he wanted to dress up like Han Solo and put me in a Princess Leia slave dress, I wouldn't mind. We're both pretty open minded about trying out new scenes and new toys.

What usually holds us back is not apprehension or some kind of 'hard limit,' but cost. Like the bed I want so badly: it costs close to $4,000. There's no way we would spend that kind of money on a kinky piece of furniture. A flogger can cost upwards of $400.00; even good suspension cuffs can cost over a hundred bucks. We have three kids; we don't spend that sort of money on ourselves.

Although, our wedding anniversary is coming up. I might ask for a kinky new toy....

Thursday, April 28, 2011

We Interrupt this Meme (again) for Some Writing News

As far as my writing goes, this month has been a particularly bad month. I've been working my day job more hours (and I get paid by the hour, so this is a good thing, as far as salary goes), my kids were on vacation for almost two weeks, and the Passover holiday pretty much dominated everything for everyone, for the three weeks preceding it as well as the holiday itself.

But even with all the time constraints, I could have gotten more writing done if I hadn't had such deep mental snags with a couple of the stories.
The way I set up the Bentmoore stories, they always take place in a time span of two or three nights. The nights have to be consecutive, and they have to connect, flow one to the next.
I have a lot of ideas running through my head right now for scenes, but I was having a hard time figuring out how to make one scene connect to another, to make them flow into a story-length piece of work. For instance, I'm imagining one scene of a host taking a guest out to the stables for some pony play; he harnesses her, dresses her up in everything including the tail, and then puts her through her paces before riding her, and fucking her, hard.
In another scene I'm picturing, a host is putting a guest through some pretty heavy medical play, complete with laxatives, enemas, probes, and speculums. She's strapped to the table, feet up, and completely at his mercy.
And in yet another scene, a hostess is having fun dominating over her male guest, making him her slave, forcing him to do her every bidding and take it up every hole.
But none of these scenes flow together, at least not at first look; none of them can easily be spliced together to make up a complete story. And this was snagging me. Usually, I need to know, in advance, where a story is going. I can't start it without some specific ideas of where it's supposed to end up.
But I've decided, this time, to stop thinking that way. The scenes I have in mind are good ones, they are hot and erotic, and right now, the most important thing is to get some of them down in writing and stop worrying so much about the ending and flow. The not knowing was making me stop completely, making me come to a screeching halt, and that was not good. So I'm not going to let it. I'm going to write out the scenes as they come out of my head, and have the faith that in the end, I'll figure things out.

I made that decision a couple days ago, and once I did, I felt so much better. Like a weight had been lifted off my head; my imagination could flow again. It felt liberating.
So work is still crazy, and my kids are taking up most of my time at home. But this weekend, I plan to set aside a chunk of time, close the door, and write.

Kink Meme, Day 9

"Post a kink related song or music video you enjoy."

Sorry, don't have one.
But! (And you'll understand the pun in a minute) here's a funny video of an absolutely ridiculous song.
And here's the South Park version, which is how I know about it in the first place.
And speaking of South Park: last night's episode was absolutely DISGUSTING.
And of course, after I watched it, I had to look up the trailer for "The Human Centipede" on youtube, and oh my God, it was EVEN MORE DISGUSTING. I couldn't fall asleep until after three o'clock in the morning! THANKS A LOT, SOUTH PARK!  >(

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 8

First of all, you know how I got this whole meme idea from The Spanking Resource? Well now Amylyn is doing it too. Go check out her answers!

On to the next one: "Post a kinky image you find erotic."

So many erotic images available, so many styles and scenes, and I'm supposed to pick just one?
But I can't just give you a scroll-down of hundreds of images, either. So I'll give you a handful.

I like this picture because it's a reminder that things you find around the house can be also be used for kink. Jewelry can turn into great bondage material; even a hairbrush can become a lethal weapon against a soft, sensitive ass in the right person's hand. I look at this picture, and I can create a whole story behind that necklace. Maybe she was told not to buy it, that it was too expensive, and she bought it anyway against her Dom's wishes? And now it's going to take part in her punishment.
This picture was actually in the running for the cover of a story I'm writing, part of the next Bentmoore collection. I think the image is beautiful, and powerful, and to me, more than a little haunting. You can't help but wonder how long it took to tie her up in such an intricate way, and how she must have felt, lying there while it was done. Or how she must feel now, when she's bound and stuck and can't even see the camera taking her picture. And yet, there is love in the knots, too: she's not bound particularly tightly or painfully.

I love the intensity in this man's eyes. When a Dom is coming towards you with a length of chain wrapped around his hands, that's how he should look. You know he has something in store for you, something you can't fully contemplate, at least not yet, not until he wants you to. There's nothing you can do about it, nowhere to go, no where he can't reach you. He will get that chain around you, and then he'll have his hands free to do whatever he wants to you.

This one doesn't tell a story or anything. I just like a picture of a beautiful ass.

There are lots of pictures on sites like istockphoto and deviantart. Not to mention on private sites, blogs, etc etc. Island of Pain has a whole category of BDSM art, and it's some really amazing stuff, like this:
So go check them out!
And on that note, I'm done.

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 7

"What's your favorite toy?"

I don't have a favorite toy. All our toys are in pretty even circulation, depending on the mood and the scene.

Which is a pretty boring answer, so I guess I shouldn't just leave it hanging there.

Toys are not the same as implements, and I do have a favorite implement: a light flogger, used with a light touch. It hurts, but in a really good way. When I'm being punished, I like a broken-in belt; it shows me he means business, but doesn't want to totally scare the shit out of me. And when I'm being spanked for the hell of it, I like his bare hand. It's intimate, and shares some of my sting.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 6

"Describe your weirdest/most interesting sexual fantasy."

I don't have one I would term "weird," (I've seen the stuff out there, and believe me, my fantasies are pure vanilla in comparison,) but the most 'taboo' fantasy I have is one I've actually already written about in Tales of the Hotel Bentmoore #2: Deborah. I fantasize about being taken by two men at once. It's taboo for me, because it's never going to happen: I'm married, monogamous, completely faithful, and would NEVER change that. My husband knows about my fantasy. But he knows it's just a fantasy, not something I would ever bring to fruition.

But I fantasize about being sandwiched between two men, stuffed fore and aft, being held down by the hips as they both grind and pump into me. Or pleasuring one in front with my mouth while the other is entering me from behind. It's a huge turn-on. And maybe, for me, it's a safe turn-on because I know I never have to worry about actually trying it, and finding it's not all that good. (And yeah, that's happened before.)

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 5

"What was your first kinky sexual experience? If you haven't had one yet, talk about what you hope to have happen." 

The first time I remember doing something that I considered, um, beyond "normal" sex, was in college. I asked my boyfriend to try anal with me. He was shocked I was asking for it, and his shock made me even more embarrassed and hesitant. But he quickly changed his face, and his tune, becoming just as enthusiastic as me.
It was a DISASTER. He didn't bother with any lube, a HUGE no-no, and no build-up, and as soon as he tried to start, it hurt like hell.
I don't think I need to have a "how to have anal sex with your girlfriend" guide here; there are so many resources on the web about this. But here are some links I found that I thought were good.
The Made Man Manual

I think the FreddyandEddy link is the best, because it has a lot of useful information (including a picture!), and it's funny. Like, it lets readers know about different materials used to make anal toys so that they're safer, and it talks about the "aftermath."
But all the sites have three made points in common: Go slow, have a lot of prep time, and a LOT OF LUBE. My first time, we broke all three rules. Which was bad. I shrieked, his flatmates heard, came running to the door to see what was wrong, and while he was dealing with them through the door I was in the corner of the room getting dressed. I left without saying a word. We broke up soon after that. I don't think it was because of that, didn't help.
I wasn't turned off to the whole idea, obviously. But after that catastrophe, I did my research, so that when I was ready to try again, I would know what to do, even if my partner didn't. But he did. And it was good. :)

Saturday, April 23, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 4

"Any early experiences that, in retrospect, hint at your kinks?"

The first year I went away to summer camp was the first time I ever started doing some serious fooling around with boys. I was young, but not as young as other girls were when they started fooling around; I think I was maybe fifteen. Actually, that's kind of old, no?

In any case, there were two boys that I did some serious fooling around with that summer. The first became my "boyfriend," if you can call any boy you know for one week and then "go out with" for another week your boyfriend. It was a teenager's summer fling, of course. Nothing serious. But oh boy, did he introduce me to some heady passion.

We would sneak down the lake at night, and he would kiss me under the stars. And when he realized I liked it, he would pin my arms over my head, and roam his other hand under my clothes; and I would have to protest mighty heavily for him to stop when it got too far. It wasn't because he was a bad kid, or trying to molest me or anything; it was that I'd already stopped him a few times, only to then tell him to keep going afterward. So I guess it was confusing for both of us. Of course, back then there was no such idea of a "safeword" for me.

Once we were done with our "relationship," I started a crush on another boy, the bad boy of the camp. You know, the loner, the cool one, the one with the leather jacket and the swagger. When I made my interest clear, he came to my bunk one day when he knew I was alone, and...things quickly got out of hand. He was too forceful, and wanted too much from me, and didn't get the message that I wasn't willing to do everything he had in mind until I kicked him, hard. Then he left. But that kind of forcefulness wasn't a turn on. Even then, I could tell that he didn't give a damn about what I wanted, or what would please me (although I didn't have the vocabulary or knowledge I have now to put that statement into words. I just knew he was bad news, and in a dangerous way, not a cool way).

So I guess, from the beginning, I was instinctively looking for a guy who could figure out fast what I liked, and give it the way I liked it, without going too far. But I think that's true for everyone, no? I was looking for a guy who would consider my needs, my pleasure, and also give it rough.

But oh, how it felt to be kissed under the stars, with my arms pinned over my head....

Friday, April 22, 2011

We Interupt this Meme to Bring You a new Video: Simon's Pussy Chasing a Cute Piece of Tail

Cause, you know, it's not like my whole LIFE is about kink. And this video is just too damn funny not to share.

Kink Meme, Day 3

"How did you discover you were kinky?"

Loaded question. This, to me, is like asking someone homosexual "how did you discover you were gay?"

Some may answer with a description of a pivotal moment, a turning point in time when they suddenly realized they were gay. But for others, the answer may be, 'I always knew I was gay. I just didn't know what that meant.'

I think, when it comes to kink, I fit into the latter category. I always knew I liked things 'different,' liked things 'heavier,' but I didn't always have a word for it. I didn't know that made me 'kinky.' And I didn't discover BDSM until I was much, much older.

Of course, girls, I think, always have a harder road to go down to discover their sexual preferences, simply because sex itself is a much more complicated issue than it is for boys. Certainly when I was a kid, and I think to a certain extent even today, girls face repercussions that boys simply don't have to deal with when it comes to having sex. Aside from all the medical issues, they have to worry about coercion, reputation, bullying, stigma, etc etc.

If a guy has group sex with a bunch of girls, he is envied by his friends. If a girl has group sex with a bunch of guys, she is a slut. Now, some will say that being a 'slut' is okay, and some will wear the label with pride. But not many will stand up and say, 'no, she is not a slut, she is a normal girl having fun.' (They will not say it and then not somehow backtrack on the statement, anyway.) A boy who has sex at a young age will see pride and satisfaction in his father's eyes; a girl will see derision, disappointment, and a need to hide her away from the rest of the world. Ask a dad, and most of them will tell you this.

To get back on track here...the point is, it can be much harder for a girl to discover her kinks, because it takes her longer to get comfortable with her own sexuality. Once she does, she may discover she actually likes to be tied up, or tie up others, or like different positions...she may want to experiment, play, bring props to bed...and then it all depends on her partner(s), and how open they are to that sort of thing. If she's really lucky, she may meet a partner or two who can tell what she's looking for, someone she can share her fantasies with, and then get the ball rolling from there.

Well, this post certainly took a turn I wasn't expecting. Maybe I'll revisit the original question again at some later date.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 2

"List your kinks."

Oh, we are going to get into uber-share time, aren't we? *Blushing*

So let's get the first biggie out of the way. I love anal. Love it.
I guess I'm still a little sensitive about this because, even among women who call themselves "open" to all things kink and say that women should be honest and proud of what they want, eventually a lot of them end up making derogatory comments about anal sex. About how women are pushed into it, about how it's not safe, about how men only want to try it because it's all over the place now, thanks to porn....blah blah blah. I'm friends with a couple sex workers, and even one of them made some comments to me one day about how anal sex is so uncomfortable, and how she'll only do it for extra cash, and why do men even think women like that? She was shocked, shocked, when I quietly mentioned I like it. And she is a sex worker. But I love anal.

The story I just finished writing from my next series, Masters of the Hotel Bentmoore, contains nothing but anal. I had to stop at 45 pages, because I was getting into novella territory and let's be honest, you can't write a novella about nothing but two people having anal sex. But I could have gone on for another hundred pages with nothing but the Dom sticking things up this nice lady's ass.

Next! I love being spanked. Yeah, this one is not nearly as eyebrow-raising, I know. LOTS of women enjoy being spanked. I also love being paddled, belted, get the idea. Okay, so there are times, especially when I'm being punished, that I don't enjoy it as it's happening...but I always enjoy it after. My butt has to stay red until the next day for me to think the session was anything even slightly serious.

Onward! I love taking orders. I don't know if this can be even considered a kink, but I guess so, since the prevailing idea these days is that women shouldn't be taking orders, even in the bedroom (the women over at Kinky Ever After wrote a post about this very issue, today, go check it out). I love to be told what to do, and know if I don't, I'll be punished. Some of the hottest words my husband can tell me are "honey, take me in your mouth, now," or "lean over, ass in the air, and no, we are not going to talk about this." Two of the best, simplest words in the english language: "Take it."

I guess everything else would be a variation on these things. I'm not into food, or pony play, or medical play...just some good, ole' fashioned, hardcore BDSM. Or maybe others wouldn't even call this stuff hardcore. I don't know. But it's what's at my core. And I love it. :)

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Kink Meme, Day 1

First of all, thank you to The Spanking Resource for this "30 Days of Kink" Meme. Awesome blog, by the way! Go check it out! He's on Twitter, too.

So! Day one. "Dom, Sub, Switch? What parts of BDSM interests you? Give us an interesting in-depth definition...."

First of all, I'm a Sub through and through. I guess I could engage in play that would technically be called switching, but only if I were ordered to... and if I'm being ordered to, doesn't that still make me the Sub? Or is that kind of a chicken-or-egg question? In any case, my husband has no interest in relinquishing control, and I have no interest in trying to wrest it away from him.

What parts of BDSM interest me? The bondage, absolutely. I'm not just talking about physical bondage, either; I got into the "generality of bondage" a little bit in this post. I'm talking about being bound to my husband, feeling like there is no choice but to ultimately submit to him. The physical bondage is great, too, though. :)

BDSM for us is not just about what goes on in the bedroom. It's how we interact with each other on a daily basis, how we consider each other's wants and needs and are careful of the other's thoughts and feelings. It's how we grow in our relationship, and build on a strong foundation, to spend the rest of our lives with each other. It's about agreed-upon rules, that really help to prevent later problems; and sometimes, it's about punishment for breaking the rules. But at the core of it, it's about trust.

Now, in the bedroom....I still have a hard time making a set line in the sand, or at least in my head, as to what's "kink" and what's not. Let's say, for argument's sake, that you've got a couple who doesn't own a single sex toy (I shudder to think) and only engages in a few positions during sex. That, to me, is straight vanilla. But then, one night, one of them brings a pair of handcuffs to bed, or a dildo, or maybe even a light paddle. Does this mean they are now doing something "kinky," or is still considered normal vanilla in this day and age? Who gets to decide what's kinky and what's not, or even what's heavy BDSM and what's light BDSM? For every woman you have strutting around proud of the welts across her butt, you might find another showing off the lines going across her nipples. Or inside her thighs and pussy. Is one somehow "kinkier"? It's hard for me to pass judgement like that in such a gray area.

And even vanilla sex is never absolutely "even," never a fair give-and-take; one is usually more in control than the other. But, I suppose, in a BDSM relationship, it's (almost?) always one over the other, and not the other way around. And there's more of a clear-cut obligation to submit, and consequences if you don't.

As an aside, I think there are more men out there who would be interested in a heavier BDSM relationship with their significant other if they could get away with it. I mean, what man wouldn't love the idea, after a hard day at work, of coming home and saying to his woman, "Sweetheart, I've had a bad day. Please get down on your knees and take me in your mouth. Suck me off, but take your time, and don't stop even after I've come, not until I tell you to." To which his woman will submissively go down on her knees in front of him, say "yes Sir, thank you for allowing me this pleasure," and proceed to do exactly what he instructed.

What straight man on the planet can't see the appeal in that?

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Numbers (no BDSM in this post, just info about the stories)

My Tales of the Hotel Bentmoore stories went live on B&N on the 16th. Figuring out Amazon is a little trickier, because I did things wrong, and then I had to take them down for a couple days to make changes, blah blah blah...but we'll keep the dates together with B&N to make things easier.

In the last month, I've sold about 630 copies of the stories. Is this good? I don't know. This blog is relatively new, I just joined Twitter (and still don't know what the FUCK I am doing over there, if someone could email me with help with that I would be, um, appreciative) and my husband helped me put up a website for the stories,, although I think that was just so that I own the url and no one else takes it away from me.

In other words, I'm still working on that dreaded word, "platform." I'm such a newbie at these things--I've been at it for, what, two months? There are erotica authors that have been doing this for years. YEARS. And writing stories and books and novellas for probably longer than I've been alive, or at least out of diapers.

The business side of it, the numbers side, can be daunting to handle. As a writer, you want to sell as many copies of your stories as you can. You want to be as widely known as you can. You want to let people know your stories are out there--and then sit back and leave it up to them to decide if it's good or not, and not make a mistake like that woman did (who shall remain nameless here on this blog although I will link to the post that started the shit storm) and complain like a raving madwoman when someone gives you a bad review.

So it's hard, in that it's time consuming, and full of unknowns, and 99% of the time I don't know what the hell I'm doing.

But I'm still having fun. The first story of the new collection, Masters of the Hotel Bentmoore, is done, it just needs some editing, and I've already got the cover. My cover artist is even working on the cover for the second story, even though it isn't complete yet.

It's a blast. I'M HAVING A BLAST. And hopefully, the people who bought those 630 copies had a blast reading them (double entendre intended).

So I'll learn as I go, and keep going, and keep writing. Because at the end of the day, for me, that's what it's all about.

Friday, April 15, 2011

The Best Punishment Toys are Sometimes Made at Home*

* Or, I am writing this post rather late and very quickly because I am about to be punished and am v v nervous about it.

There are lots and lots of websites out there that sell BDSM gear and toys. There's bondage gear, punishment toys, pleasure toys, pony play, medical play, shibari supplies, gear for men, gear for women, etc etc, the list goes on and on and I'm sure you've seen it all before. And if you haven't, it'll take you two clicks on google to see what I'm talking about. I've linked to the Stockroom before; here's another place I like to shop at, Grand Opening (located in the Boston area), that actually specializes in lesbian boutique but offers a wide range of stuff, and their staff is simply amazing.

But the truth is, when it comes to punishment gear, you don't need to spend a hell of a lot of money to have some "fun," or at least, get the job done. Any toy store (and I mean a real, honest to god children's toy store, not the kind that sells sex toys) will sell a variety of paddles, used for different sports or activities. One of my husband's favorite paddles is an extra-wide wood one that originally had a ball attached on a string, and was used by one of our kids as a fun bouncy-toy. But the string snapped off, and my husband found a whole different use for it. Honestly, I think one of the reasons he likes it so much is because he gets a kick out of the fact that it says "Bounce Back Fun!" across the handle.

He also likes the 24" ruler one of my kids got at Target but couldn't use because it wouldn't fit in his backpack. It's thin, and pliant, and has sharp edges; and that thing has a bite you wouldn't believe.

Canes and paddles can be made with stuff you can buy at Home Depot or Orchard Supply. Even a hairbrush can be altered to the specifications of the user, and be made to fit the proportions you're looking for.

And there is something very intimate about making your own toys. The feeling of ownership, of laying claim, is increased and enhanced. I can see it in my husband's eyes: he's welded and shaped the toy to his liking, and now he's going to use it to weld and shape me to his liking. There's possessiveness, a raw power in that.

The only toys we haven't figured out how to make ourselves, at least to our liking, are the leather ones. Belts work fine, of course, and every man owns at least one belt...although I would suggest having at least three: a new one with stiff leather, a broken-in one with pliant leather, and a child's belt that is shorter and typically thinner.

But for a good flogger, it's best to buy one. Unless you want strips of leather suddenly flying all over the place. Which will only make you laugh, and then you end up getting another five with the ruler. Ouch!

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

A quick post about Me

My husband and I have been married for over fifteen years. We've been together for longer--it's almost to the point where I will have spent more of my life with him than without him. We have children, a house, a dog, extended family...we are blessed to have just about everything a "normal" family should have.

The fact that we incorporate kink and BDSM into our relationship doesn't change any of that. In fact, it would be very hard for me to label these days what would be considered strict "vanilla" vs kink, as if "vanilla" is somehow normal while "kink" is somehow...not. But that is a point for another post.

We've changed, over the years, our practices in and out of the bedroom, what we consider acceptable and what we do not. Having children does that; having outside obligations does that. We cannot get down and dirty on the dining room table anymore after the kids go to sleep; for one thing, they might wake up and try to come find us. For another thing, my oldest goes to sleep pretty damn late these days, and by the time he's in bed and snoring, I'm too tired to get out all the toys and have a kink session on hard wood. I want to stay in my own bedroom where all the toys are nearby and easily accessible.

Our bodies are not the same. We cannot stay up until two o'clock in the morning having fun in the bedroom anymore; we are simply too tired. I cannot bend and twist the way I could in my twenties, and let's face it, he does not have the stamina anymore to keep up with a twenty-something anyway.

But one thing has not changed: he is the only man I trust, completely, with all that I am, my heart, mind, soul, everything. He knows me, but more than that, he gets me. He recognizes when I'm crying out in pleasure, in ecstasy, in worry, in fear, or in pain; and he knows when to stop, when to keep going, and when to press on harder. He knows when to pull back and when to push through. He knows he has control over me, and he gives that responsibility the respect and reverence it deserves.

I cannot say that my love for my husband has not changed, because it has. It has deepened and grown, evolved into something more precious, and more grand, than anything I could have imagined fifteen years ago. It is the kind of love often portrayed in movies and television shows, but all too rarely experienced in real life. And for this love, I am truly thankful.

It is also why I get so mad when I hear or read a statement implying that the BDSM lifestyle is somehow wrong, or even sick. Because: how can it be wrong when we feel so lucky to share it?

Monday, April 11, 2011

My Version: To Spank or not to Spank?

I read a blog called Daddyfiles, written by a brilliant and funny guy, who's seen his fair share of controversy. He's recently written a piece about spanking children.
Now, before anyone goes off hating me, I realize this is a serious issue and many parents have strong feelings on the matter. That being said, I couldn't resist playing with the original post a little bit. My additions/tweaks are in brackets:

I'm still going to include spanking as one of the tools in my [Dom] arsenal.

I use spanking as a last resort when all else has failed, [or when I can't resist flogging her ass]. I [love] doing it. Anyone who enjoys spanking their [sub] is a sicko [and I use the label as an endearment]. But sometimes, with certain [subs], it's effective. I say certain [subs] because the decision to spank a [sub] has to be taken on a case-by-case  basis. You can give some [subs] a stern talking to or a timeout and they learn the lesson. [But what's the fun in that?] With others, if you spank them their behavior could just get worse [and then you have to bring out the whip]. You need to know your [sub] and do what you think will be most effective.

With my [sub], timeouts [in the cage] will usually do the trick. But there are instances when they just don't cut it. Sending [her] to [her] cage with all of her [sex] toys doesn't do a whole lot of good [she'll just play with herself for hours], and taking away [her] favorite [dildos] only seems to have an effect for a couple of minutes while the bad behavior continues [and she still plays with herself in the cage anyway]. So if all the usual methods of discipline have failed and [she's] still being awful, [she] might get a smack on the butt. Nothing that's going to leave a [horrible welt] mark or really hurt [her] [if I'm not feeling like it], but more like a surprising jolt that gets [her] attention and lets [her] know what [she's] doing isn't acceptable.

I don't judge those who choose not to spank. But many members of the "no spank" contingent certainly like to cast judgment on [Doms] who do. And that's what irks me. [I mean, how the hell can you even call yourself a Dom if you don't spank?]

Sorry, but you can only do so much "deflection" and "positive corrections" before you become ineffective as a disciplinarian. I understand it's tough these days when spanking your [sub] can seemingly land you in court or in front of family protective services, but I refuse to change my [Dom] style just because of political correctness run amok [or for people who don't understand the BDSM lifestyle].

Spanking is a useful tool for [Doms] if done properly. [And it's fun! Spank a sub today! And make her thank you for it!]

Thank you, Aaron, for permission to do this.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

The Generality of "Bondage"

For those who don't know (yeah it seems ridiculous to me too that someone might still not know this, but still) the B in "BDSM" stands for "Bondage." The dictionary defines bondage thusly: "The state of being bound or subjected to some external power or control."

Here's the thing: that word, and definition, is about as broad as defining "food" as "something you eat."

There are SO MANY different kinds of bondage you can use during sex--and I'm just talking about the physical kind, the type that needs tools and setup. I'm not even getting into the mental and emotional bondage a person can impose to get their  partner to do as she (or he) is told. No, I'm talking rope, cuffs, cages....some kind of bondage is usually the first thing on the checklist in any BDSM scene, because it brings home what is really going on in the situation, by using a person's body as a prop...or maybe I should say, as an introduction. If a BDSM scene can tell a story, bondage is the prologue, and it tells the story through the body.

Take wrists, for example. Wrists are an obvious first choice for restraints: bind the wrists, and you've effectively limited a person's ability to defend themselves with their hands. The insides of the wrists are very sensitive, and respond immediately to stimuli. But it's the psychological affect that makes wrist binding so fundamental in any BDSM scene: it quickly clarifies exactly how little choice (and power) the sub has. Just going through the motions of binding the wrists will usually send strong feelings of alarm and excitement straight to the sub's brain, resulting in a surge in chemicals: adrenaline, endorphins...usually a combination of both.

But HOW you apply the bondage is also very important, and can be a very intricate process.

Take rope. Rope is a very popular way to bind someone; there's a reason Shibari exists, after all. But there are also so many different kinds of rope: there's nylon, there's hemp, there's cotton, there's mooring...there's strand rope, plaid rope, braided rope...and they will all feel different against the skin.

Or you can try leather. Leather straps, leather cuffs, leather with buckles, leather with velcro, leather with zippers, leather you pull on, leather you tie's really boundless.

Metal. Metal covers a lot of ground. You want to try chain? Okay. Thick or thin? Long or short? Eyebolts or hooks? D-Rings, buckles, or both? Or how about cuffs? Safety release--yes or no? What about wire? Mesh? What about maybe even a cage? How big? One that fits under the bed, or one that takes up a tiny corner of a room?

Sometimes, the choice of bondage technique is much more important, and takes a lot more thought, than deciding to try BDSM in the first place.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

The bed I want so badly (Link)

It's called the Folsom Bed, and they sell it at Stockroom and Dungeonbeds. And no, I am in no way "getting" anything in exchange for throwing the link (and the sites) out there. I am simply stating a fact: if I had the money, I would buy this bed. It looks so fun.

I came across it doing research for the Bentmoore story I'm working on right now. I want to mention the Folsom Bed in the story by name; I wrote to Stockroom, asking permission. They haven't written me back, so I'm just going to have to describe a generic bed with eyebolts and hooks already attached (there are other beds like this out there).

But I really wanted to call it the Folsom Bed. Maybe even put it on the cover! Oh well. Jt's Stockroom people, if you read this: let me put your bed in my story!

Saturday, April 2, 2011

What is figging?

Urban Dictionary defines it thusly: "A peeled ginger root, shaped like a slender butt plug, inserted into the anus without lubrication of any kind. The ginger juices cause pain and extreme horniness."

While the definition is succinct and straightforward, I would take issue with its accuracy. Figging does not always cause horniness, not in all women and not all the time. And it does not always cause pain, either, at least not in all women and not all the time. 

Some women ask to be figged on a regular basis. They love the naughtiness of begging for it; the anticipation they feel as their partner shaves and prepares the root; the heightened senses of getting into position for the ginger to be inserted; the feel of the root being pressed against them; the slick cool feeling of the ginger filling them up; the crystal focus of the burning discomfort that quickly takes over all thought. 

Sometimes the sensations the ginger brings never goes beyond an irritating, burning itch. Sometimes it brings the woman to a screaming, writhing mess, burning in white-hot agony. Anything between these two extremes is normal, too. It really varies from woman to woman, and depends on her control and tolerance for pain.

But I also think a huge factor (and this is something not many people who talk about figging really touch on) is the woman's psychological mindset toward having anything in her ass. A woman who is open to anal play, or has even engaged in anal sex, will be much more willing to try figging in one form or another (as play, as punishment, a little of both, etc). A woman who recoils from the idea of anything touching her asshole will obviously be very against being figged, and even if she's willing to try some roleplay or bondage, will protest most loudly if pushed into taking a root up the ass, even before the juices actually get to work.

Trust is very important when using ginger during sex, especially if there is bondage involved. The "figger" had better be damn sure he knows when his partner has "taken" as much of the root as she can, and not overdo it, or she will be spending quite some time in pain, and will probably have no interest in sex until the pain goes away. I suppose in some cases, this will not matter; in the master/slave dynamic, for instance, a woman does not necessarily need to be agreeable to be open to her owner. And if the ginger is being used as punishment, how the woman feels afterwards is usually irrelevant; the point is penance and deterrence, nothing else. But usually, the man will want the woman to be more horny and aroused after the figging, not less.