Monday, July 28, 2014

Negotiation First Terms

My Promises To You

I promise I will tell you, to the best of my ability, of all my limits, hard, soft, and squicky. I will make sure you understand what lines you absolutely may not cross, what lines are on the edge, and what lines will piss me off (in case you want to piss me off just to see what happens—and this is negotiable).

I promise I will tell you, to the best of my ability, of the little quirky things about my body that make me, me. Like that my left hip isn't as flexible as my right hip, or that I have really (really) bad peripheral vision, or that my scalp is incredibly sensitive, or that I get wet when I'm afraid.

I promise I will, to the best of my ability, communicate with you. I will tell you things it's vital for you to know. I will tell you things I think are important, even if the information never actually applies to our scene. I'll tell you things you will probably never have use of, but I want to share with you anyway, because you never know...and once you get me high enough, I'll probably be speaking in tongues.

I promise I will, to the best of my ability, be honest with you. I will tell you if something doesn't feel right to me, and to what extent. I will warn you if I'm getting close to panic, or just ultimate frustration.

I promise I will use my safeword if I have to...and if I can.

I promise to go into our scene with an open mind. Because even after all our communication, after all our negotiation, after all our planning and talking, you may be imagining a scene very different from the one I'm picturing in my head. And that's okay; our scene can still be wonderful.
I also have been around long enough to know not every scene is going to be the "scene-to-end-all-scenes," because not every scene can be. And that's okay. Sometimes the energy just isn't there; sometimes scenes just go wrong, and that's okay, too. This doesn't affect how I think of you as a person. It just means we need to find another opportunity to try again, perhaps on another night, when the energy is right.

I promise to share with you, to the best of my ability, what I liked with our scene (and what I didn't like) in the coming day or two. I will tell you what pushed me, and in what way, and whether I liked the push or not. (And if things go really well, I'll tell you there was nothing I didn't like, because the whole scene was awesome. I fucking love check-ins like that.)

But most of all...I promise I will come into this scene with the knowledge that you are entering into this scene to make us both happy. I promise I will trust you not to do anything malicious, vicious, or harmfully cruel; that your intentions will be honest and good; that you will try to make your actions reflect those intentions, even if it doesn't always work out that way. That any mistake made on your part will be just that, a mistake, and not a vile, callous way to hurt me.

I promise to give you the best of my intentions, and trust you to give me the best of yours.

Your Promises to Me

I need you to tell me of your limits, hard and soft. Tops do have limits; don't make me find them the hard way if you don't have to.

I need you to accept my limits as they are, even if I'm not willing to share the whys or wherefores with you. I need you to stop yourself from trying to negotiate or sweet-talk me out of them.

I need you to accept the limits of my body, physically and mentally, and not try to push me past them.

I need you to make me feel comfortable to talk to you, to share with you anything I think may be relevant to our time together—even if it's not, even if you think whatever I'm telling you is probably insignificant and silly.

I need you to make me feel like you respect my words, even if you don't always agree with them.

I need you to trust me to be honest with you, to believe that I'm not playing some kind of mind game with you (unless we've negotiated that); because believe me, I've learned the hard way mind games are something I'm horrible at, and I always lose.

I need you to honor my safewords as soon as you hear them. As soon as you hear them.

I need you to come into our scene with an open mind. It may not go as planned; it may be less than perfect. But that needs to be okay with you. I need you to understand that not every scene can be perfect, but that's no reason for anger. (It's okay to be frustrated by the situation, but please don't get frustrated with me. I am a human being, I can sense your resentment, and it hurts.) We can try to reschedule another time to play, and try harder next time to make it right.

I need you to tell me, after our scene is over and some time has gone by, if I did something wrong to piss you off. Because I don't like inadvertantly pissing people off, especially play partners, but I won't know I've done something wrong unless you tell me. If you don't tell me, I may do it again.

I need you to enter this scene with the intent of making us both happy. I need to know I can trust you with me, mind and body, heart and soul, and you won't do anything to maliciously betray that trust. I need to know this, because if things go wrong, and you do make a mistake, I need to able to believe it is an honest mistake, and not a calculated, cold-hearted move on your part to use me just to get what you want.

I need you to give me the best of your intentions, and trust me to give you the best of mine.

These are the first terms of my negotiations. This is what I can offer you, and what I need you to give me. If these preliminary terms cannot be met, then we have nothing further to talk about. 

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